A friend of mine loaned me a book called “Baby Hunger” by Beth Forbus. She brought it to me at a time when I was really struggling, emotionally, with… well… baby hunger. God has given me peace about our not having any children yet countless times. Sometimes, however, I need to be reminded. This was one of those times.
As I began reading it, God had already given me peace through the prayers of others, but He began to open my eyes to new understanding. He also reminded me of some things, such as “in due time” and that He can and will purposefully “open or close the womb”. These are two things I’ve clung to over the years as I’ve waited. But what He is still teaching me exceeds even that.
Even before this book, He has been teaching me about appreciating John (hopefully, you can see that in previous posts). I don’t always show how much I appreciate that man. The first few years of our marriage were not easy, but he was always reassuring and loving. He may not understand my desires, but he supports them. He may not understand my emotions, but he comforts me and makes me laugh to ease any hurt. When I have those crazy, hormonal mood swings, he is patient. We may be at odds at times, but he is pushy enough to make sure no one sleeps on the couch (unless I’m sick, of course)… we have to at least talk things out before we fall asleep. He has a tender heart, but is always watching for any danger that could come my way, ready to combat it in some way if necessary. He is by my side as much as possible when I’m sick (unless I send him out of the house), making sure I have anything/everything I might need.
Do you remember the story of Hannah in the Bible? The one with the woman who weeps and prays and weeps and prays for years to have a child? Though he is not mentioned as much in the story, her husband, Elkanah, is present. He may have two wives, but we get to see his love for Hannah and his desire to please her in the way that he gives her a “double portion” at meals. His other wife has children, which (I guess) would usually make her more of a favorite, but (just as with Jacob, Leah, and Rachel) not in this case. We see that Elkanah tries to console Hannah and show her favor in front of others (even his other wife). It didn’t seem to matter to him whether Hannah bore him a child or not (which in that day would have been a big deal), he loved her and wanted her to be happy regardless. He loves on her in such a way as to try to “fill the void” of her childless state. We don’t get to see whether she shows appreciation for his efforts. We do see his frustration with her though: “Am I not better to you than ten sons?”
Maybe he was tired of her weeping, of the constant conversations about not having children yet, of trying to console her every time his other wife would torment Hannah with hurtful remarks, of trying to make peace in his household… I don’t know. But maybe Hannah forgot to appreciate all of the good things Elkanah did for her. Maybe she appreciated it but forgot to show it. I don’t know. I’m sure Elkanah wanted children by Hannah, but he wasn’t about to let not having them destroy their marriage… or his love for her.
As I look back over our marriage, I can see where John may have said that to me… not those words exactly, but something basically boiling down to: “Am I not enough?” I can see how God could’ve asked me that too at many points in my life. Thankfully, God has shown me grace and given me a “double portion” so many times. John does too. I may not always show or say how much I love and appreciate them, but I do. Without John, I know I could go on, but I don’t know if I’d want to… he brings so much joy and sunshine to my life. Without God… wow… I KNOW I couldn’t go on… life would no longer have meaning, purpose… hope. I wouldn’t want to exist in a world where He doesn’t exist. What would be the point?
(See continuing post in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3)
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