Hello all!!! It has been a while since I blogged, I know. One reason being that John and I were on vacation for two weeks… and then I had to recover (catch up) from being gone for two weeks! But now I’m back. Maybe I’ll blog about vacation one of these days, but not today. Today, I’m going to share something very personal… something I don’t share with many people… but it’s been laid on my heart, so here goes.
I remember after John and I had dated for a while, I was constantly asked, “So when are you two getting married?” Less than a week after we got married, the question changed to, “So when are you gonna have kids?” Even to this day, I try to avoid telling anyone if I have a stomach bug because they automatically assume that I’m pregnant.
After 8½ years of marriage, John and I have yet to be blessed with a child… or even a pregnancy (that we know of). Instead, we play aunt and uncle (John’s more of a fun play-mate) to our nieces and nephews and to the many children God has blessed our beloved friends with. The questions still come though. “Do you want kids?” “When are you two going to start thinking about having children?” And of course, one of my favorites is what seems to be a constant conversation with people I haven’t seen for a number of years, but they know John and I are married, so they ask:
“So how long have you been married now?”
“8½ years.”
“How many children do you have?”
“None yet.”
“Oh… why not?”
I normally respond, “Because God hasn’t blessed us with them yet.” Sometimes, depending on their questions, I’ll go into it a bit more, but I find there are many times it just seems to make the conversation turn awkward. I’m not much of a conversationalist so the exchange isn’t usually extensive.
But in answer to all of these questions: Do we want children? Of course we do! We love children! They are a joyous blessing that we hope to have one day. As I get older, I do begin worrying about the draining effect… where they drain all of your energy and money… but we still want them regardless! As for when we are going to start thinking about having children… well, consider it thought of. I’ve wanted to be a mother ever since I first held a baby in my arms (and I was six years old!). John hasn’t had the desire as long as that, but he definitely wants them too.
My response to, “Why not?” is as true as I know how to put it. God hasn’t blessed us with children yet. Why? I do not know, only He does. But I rest in the hope that He will one day… in HIS time. One of my biggest comforts is in looking at the complexities of life. How in my life alone, I have come into contact with certain people, been taught by certain people, been loved on by certain people… all of whom I would not have been with at those specific times had I been born at a different time or in a different place. I know God has a plan for my life, for John’s life, and for our children’s lives. Who am I to try to say when the timing should be? Yes, I know when I WANT it to be (uh… now), but it gives me an unspeakable amount of peace to know that His timing is perfect, much more perfect than mine could ever be.
I know there could be physical issues happening that we don’t know about yet, but we are not at the point where we have no peace and have to find things out. Frankly, I hope that point never comes. When I get my mind set on something, I can be pretty obsessive about it until it is finished… and I don’t want to be that way, especially about having children. My attitude and emotions aren’t very pretty during those times and John doesn’t deserve that. =)
Which brings me to the whole reason why I began writing this: John.
(See continuing story in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 2)
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