I'll never forget the day my mother came and picked me up from school "for lunch" when I was in the 5th grade. It wasn't out of the ordinary, but I thought it was a great surprise... 'til we made it to the car. Before we drove off, she just sat there for a moment. I didn't understand why we weren't going anywhere yet until she finally said, "Gwen, I have something to tell you..." It was then that I noticed something was off about her. "Your grandpa died this morning."
I just looked at her and asked, "Grandpa Singleton?" (her dad)
"No..." she said hesitantly, her eyes feeling with tears. "Your Grandpa Spears."
Immediate devastation hit. I didn't stop crying for days.
This was the first great loss I ever experienced. Later, I looked back and felt like Mom might've thought I didn't care as much about my other grandpa... since my response was completely different. Even as I tell it, I feel like I sounded that way. But truth be told, I was always prepared to lose him. He never seemed to be in great health. I loved him dearly, but he had a lot of health problems, some of which would keep me from even giving him good hugs sometimes. It was only natural for me to think it was him. (I didn't know Grandpa Spears had suffered some major heart attacks in the past until later.)
Today, as I look back over the last few years, I'm reminded of that time... The first big, devastating change for me. I've realized over the last couple of weeks why my very insides seem so resistant to change right now... and yet it just keeps happening! I'm not saying all the changes are bad - by no means! I'm just saying there's been a lot. For someone who didn't experience much change in the first 20+ years of her life, the last few have been like a giant band-aid being ripped off... everything happening that suddenly.
In review, the last few years I've seen: My mother move out; my parents get divorced; John and I finally have a baby (Yay!!! But still a BIG change.); Dad has us clear out what we want from the house; Dad gets married (Again, Yay! But still a BIG change.); Dad's selling the house... Then there's all the changes at church... everything from the services and the people to the name - we even sold the camp cabin that I remember my dad helping to construct (a place that has always been special and even a spiritual get-a-way for me)! The last few years even reflect a significant amount of loss in several ladies I looked up to growing up... the "grandma" prayer warriors and mentors who taught me so much in life.
I'm not saying all of these changes are bad!!! I hope that's obvious. I guess the hardest part is just feeling like everything that I truly loved and appreciated from my childhood and growing up is being ripped away from me. Like once God is finished, nothing will remain except my memories - and even those aren't as strong as they used to be. Even as I write this, I know He is trying to teach me something about letting go... about being flexible to whatever He brings my way. Knowing more change of all kinds is coming - being able to almost feel it, but unsure of just what it is until it happens - well... it brings to mind that "Alligator in My Closet" from last year. I just want to close the door on it (and the raging river) like I did then and forget about it. I have a feeling, however, that I'll be facing it head on instead.
