Ronald McDonald House

I shared in a previous blog that we were blessed to stay in the Ronald McDonald Family Room while our sweet daughter was held in the NICU. Well, today I want to share a little bit more about this amazing charity.

John and I had heard about it before (we've had some friends and family who've stayed in other various R.M. Houses)... but you never know how much of money that you donate actually goes toward such a thing. Not to mention the basic and simple fact that we'd never experienced it before, so how could we know just how amazing this place would be!

As my release from the hospital drew nearer, we became more and more worried about where we were going to stay. There was no way we were going home... our baby was just going to be too far away! A few doctors and nurses told us about the Ronald McDonald House and that we could apply for it... so we did (every day). God was gracious... we got to stay there every night until her release.

I say got to because:

1) We had a bed to sleep in (just one floor above the NICU)

2) They had a fully stocked kitchen... in other words, we didn't have to buy any food for ourselves unless we just wanted to... AND they cooked supper for the families at night.


3) The living room and dining room even had a TV and games (including a Wii) to help pass the time - if desired.

4) Oh... and we not only managed to stay there at night... but they have "nap rooms" - which were the same rooms we had the night before (for the most-part) during the day (again, that you could apply for). Regardless of whether you got a "nap room" or not though, the Family Room was open to any of the NICU or Pediatric parents for rest or even just to hang out in for a while. Some people even rested in their cozy Reading Room.

5) They also had a place where we could do laundry... and even provided the detergent! This came in handy after a few nights and limited clothing.

All of this... for Free! How is this possible? Well, everything they had was by the donations of others (monetary or supplies such as food/drinks). If you are ever looking for a good cause to give to, here's one I highly recommend! I have seen it first-hand and been enormously blessed by it. They have an amazing ability to help countless families, families who would otherwise be sleeping in a lobby because they aren't leaving their children... families who might be paying for hotel rooms or having never-ending fast-food... families who are worn out just from worry and hoping their precious child is going to make it through.

Yes, people. This is a charity worth giving to. If you'd like to check them out and find ways you can give, please visit:

http://www.facebook.com/rmhcofarkoma

OR http://www.rmhcofarkoma.org

Abigail's Arrival & 10 Days in the NICU... (Part 3)

Over the next few days, we were excited to see her blood sugar become normal on its own as she began eating. Unfortunately, we'd hit the weekend and the results from my placenta had not come back yet... meaning we'd be there till at least Monday. John and I began adjusting to the NICU's feeding schedule (every 3 hours) and after my release from the hospital, we began applying (daily) to stay in the Ronald McDonald House. God was gracious to us and granted us stay there every following night till her release. (This wonderful place in itself deserves its own blog post... hopefully I will get to that someday soon.)

At first, Abigail seemed to feed pretty well. But as they kept increasing the amount she needed

to eat, wanting us to force her to eat it all in less than 30 minutes, and still having her eat on the same schedule even when she didn't eat it that quickly... the girl just refused to pack it in (and her daddy and I couldn't blame her). One or two of the nurses really stressed me out about it... until THEY tried to feed her. It was then that they realized something else might be up. The doctor ordered that she be tube-fed

for every other feeding until her strength came up a little more where she could feed on her own for every meal. At first, they suspected she ate like this because she was even earlier than 37 1/2 weeks... but Monday held what I believe to be the real answer.

While the report from my placenta came back okay, the

doctor on call had walked by Abigail's crib and notice her oxygen wasn't up to par. It had dropped into the 80's when he walked by and remained there for about 45 seconds. He ordered an x-ray and the results were what guaranteed our stay for the full 10 days of antibiotics. She had what looked like a respiratory infection / pneumonia, though it didn't look like a severe case by any means. He just

wanted to make sure that she was in tip-top shape before sending her home. He would order another x-ray for mid-week to see how she was healing. While we weren't thrilled with the news by any means, we knew it was best for her.

Mid-week the x-ray was not what we hoped. In fact, it looked worse. This was really the first time I really recall breaking down about the situation. We just wanted to take our girl home... and I was so worried that my respiratory history had been cursed to our daughter. After a little time to ourselves (in other words, time for me to compose myself), we had another opportunity to speak with the doctor. He lifted our spirits some by explaining that sometimes x-rays show a "lag behind" in their results... showing what was there a few days ago instead of what's actually there now. She was eating so well and doing so well by this point, he felt like this was probably the case. We still had a few more days of antibiotics so he ordered another x-ray for Day 9, just to be sure.

While Day 9's (Saturday's) x-ray still hadn't shown the "cloudiness" cleared up, the doctor just kept watching Abigail and saying that "clinically, she's fine". So under the stipulation that we take her into see her pediatrician for follow-up on Tuesday or Wednesday that week, he'd release her on Day 10. While 14 days of antibiotics could've been an option, he just didn't see any reason why she would need it. In fact, he was concerned that with so many other babies in the NICU (that place was full pretty much the entire time we were there!), she might contract something else.

We were completely satisfied with his decision. She was eating well and not fussy or running a fever (nor had she been)... and the fact that we'd have her right back to a doctor within a few days of being home, we were confident that she'd be fine to go home. Okay, I'll admit it... going home sounded so good too!!!

So... after the final run of antibiotics, early Sunday morning, a few feedings (while we waited for all of the discharge paperwork to be processed and we got our stuff packed up/loaded), we finally got to leave the NICU WITH our little Abigail Dianne. No matter the state of the house we came home to, home just felt sooooo good. And now, we could begin the next journey of our lives... Parenthood.

Abigail's Arrival & 10 Days in the NICU... (Part 2)

As soon as we held little Abigail in our arms, we were so excited to share the news with everyone. Everything was fine and she was rushed out of the room to be cleaned up... leaving us time to make phone calls and text everyone our news. (We hadn't told anyone when we went to the hospital so no one knew for sure that she was on her way yet... many had suspicions though.) The plan was for us to make our calls, etc. while feeling returned to my legs, for me to eat something to gain some strength back, take a shower, and meet up in our new room (where Abigail should arrive shortly thereafter).

It took some time for the feeling to fully come back to my legs and feet and get even a little something eaten. In fact, friends and family began arriving before I made it out of the delivery bed. My mom came to say hi to us first but immediately headed to the nursery viewing window so she could see our little girl. Not too much later, she came back, saying that Abigail wasn't in there and was in the NICU. Only 2 people could be back there to see her at a time and John or I had to be one of them. John and I just looked at each other, wondering what was up, so he went to investigate... my mother tagging along with him.

As soon as they left, I worked on finishing some food and getting my shower over with. By the time I finished that and made it to our new room (and had a little more food to get rid of some nausea), John came in to spill the news. I can tell you with a little more clarity now than I could process it then. I was so cloudy as John explained that our baby's blood sugar had plummeted from 46 to 16 - normal is 45-110, causing her to be put on a D-10 (sugar) drip for the next few days... and that the NICU doctor had started her on antibiotics as a precautionary measure (until my placenta could be analyzed for infection). This meant we would be there for at least 3 days, possibly 10 if tests didn't go well.

I could see the worry on all of the faces around me. I knew I should be worried too... after all, I'm her mother. Either I was so cloudy that nothing was fully registering or peace was just ruling over me at that point (or both). I wasn't as worried as everyone around me though - which I felt guilty for. Like I told my mom: "Every time I've dreamed of her, she was early... but everything was okay. I've seen her older than this. I have to believe that everything will be alright."

Abigail's Arrival & 10 Days in the NICU... (Pt. 1)

For those who are curious, here is a summary (though I won't say it'll be brief) of what Abigail's arrival into our lives consisted of. This shouldn't be too graphic or anything... not planning on sharing all details by any means, but at least this way I'll remember some of the precious times in those first days after her birth.

At 36 weeks, my doctor informed me I was dilated at a 1-1 1/2 and 70% "thinned out". She said that she wouldn't necessarily expect me to go into labor that week, but the following week wouldn't be far-fetched. John and I got pretty excited about it... and he began to watch me like a hawk even more than he had been before. We had plans to go to Sallisaw to spend some time with his family that weekend so all we could do was hope that she'd hold off till after that.

Thankfully, she did. We did go in to hospital at 1:30 am that Friday night / Saturday morning because I woke up and could still swear to this day that my water broke... but we were told that it hadn't and "what it will really be like when it does". Still a little hormonal about that. I told John on the drive back to Sallisaw that if that wasn't my water breaking, how in the world would I know when it really was?! The entire rest of the weekend, I chalked up what was happening to my body as my little girl just pushing on my bladder too much.

My next doctor's appointment (at 37 weeks) revealed I was dilated at a 2 and 80% effaced. I'd already been having sporadic contractions for weeks and as low as little Abigail was sitting, the doctor said she'd bet money that this baby girl would arrive before I made it back for my 38 week appointment. She had me make one... just in case... but figured she'd see me before that.

Pretty much as soon as that appointment was over, I began having fairly consistent contractions... the strong ones! I'd been told by everyone (my doctor and the nurses in labor/delivery) not to come in until they were 5 minutes apart for one hour, so John and I began timing them. Over the following 2 days, they stayed strong and consistently inconsistent (ranging from 8-45 minutes apart). They were so strong through the night on Monday night, that I took a Tylenol PM before I went to bed on Tuesday just so I could get some sleep. Still had some contractions that night, but they weren't as bad. In fact, Wednesday morning, I thought they were gone completely! Then they came back and resumed their inconsistent ways.

Finally, Wednesday night, John and I went and rented a movie, picked up some food, and came home to settle in for the night. We made it about halfway through the movie when I became incredibly anxious. I'd started bleeding and, though it wasn't as bad as when I thought we were losing her at the beginning of my pregnancy, it was still enough to worry me. John called the hospital and they told us to come in. No sooner did we get into the car than my contractions became 5 minutes apart... and stayed that way all the way to the hospital!

On this trip to the hospital, I was dilated to almost a 4 when I got there... so they kept me. Oh. And they also asked me if I knew when my water broke because they couldn't feel it. I told them about my weekend visit and the nurses on shift didn't seem too happy about it. (I sure wasn't.) Now that there was no telling when it happened for sure, there was a high risk that our little girl could have an infection... so they started me on antibiotics.

The only thing I will really post about actual labor is this: Epidural's are wonderful!!!!!! After enduring strong contractions for 2 days and then my body going into shake-down mode (which makes them worse), those drugs became my best friend. =) I still respect those who go through labor without it... but... wow! That would definitely not be for me! (Or John, poor guy.)

Nursery Pics...

So... it's been quite a while since my last blog! Wow, how time flies!

I've promised people over and over I would post some pics of the nursery before our little girl is born... but after I had it all set up. Well... it's still lacking in some of the set-up department. There are still some pictures to order, some quotes to frame, a lamp-post to buy and get plugged in, but I'm guessing all of that will be done after she's born anyway. So... here's a glimpse of what our baby girl will be coming home to. Hope you enjoy it!

Narnia, Purple, & Butterflies...

Well... it's been quite a while since I last blogged. For some reason, I haven't felt like writing much, here or even in my journal. Usually I begin to just feel this need to write, to get my thoughts, feelings down on something. Sometimes I share it, sometimes I don't. I don't feel particularly inspired today either, but I thought I'd still try to share some of what's been going on over the past couple of months.

First off, we found out at the beginning of July that our expected "bundle of joy" is going to be a GIRL. From everything I'd been craving (and all of the online old wives-tales tests I'd been taking), we were both kinda surprised, but excited nonetheless.

The week following finding out, I just couldn't help but go and start getting things for the nursery. I'd already had a few people ask me if I'd registered yet, so I got started on that as well. ---- By the way, I love registering online!!! So much easier than going through the stores, circling round and around to make sure you didn't miss anything! ---- First off, I started clearing out/cleaning up the room we'd planned on using for the nursery. We'd already decided to sell the guest-bed, so I got it stripped down and ready to take apart. Then I moved on to the curtains I'd bought for $1 at a yard sale that needed to be shortened. Got those done and hung up and John got home. As we sat on the soon-to-be-apart bed, we both got frustrated with the decor already in the room. It restricted us on what colors we could do for the nursery. I'd already made plans to work around it, but as we sat there, we ended up deciding to change rooms... making that room the office and the current office the nursery.

We knew it'd be a lot of work, but thought it would look better overall in the long-run. The previous plan had a color scheme of dark blue, crimson red, gold, and white. I could've made it work... but now we could do whatever we wanted (the other room has NO colors on the walls). After all, as John expressed when we discussed the nursery: "When I think of baby girls, I think of purple and pink and white and butterflies..." The only thing that hasn't changed, is the over-all theme. John, knowing how much I loved the theme, was concerned we wouldn't be able to keep it at first (not sure if I could make it girly enough)... but after we got everything re-arranged and I could start on it, I think he realized I have NO PROBLEM making ANYTHING girly enough. Hahaha!

The theme, you may ask? NARNIA! I've always loved those stories, ever since I was little... but even moreso now. There's so much depth... so much to learn from... kids and adults alike. My current plan is to have at least one thing from each book be represented in the room. Sometimes in photos, sometimes in quotes, sometimes in stuffed animals or anything else I can thing of. But I'm having so much fun with it and can't wait to blog about it (with pictures) one of these days. I've used purple and white and some black and gold... making it have a royal look without it all being "princess" stuff.

As I said, I'll blog about it more whenever I finally get more of the room complete. But for now, just thought I'd share a little of what's happening. We have curtains, we have a crib, we have the bumper and bed-skirt, a bookshelf (already displaying some Narnia things)... but also one very large, massive shelf-thing that needs to be taken OUT of the room! We're slowly, but surely, getting it cleared off... so I'm hoping it'll be out soon.

As for what many people constantly ask about: Her Name... Well, John and I take naming her very seriously. As of right now, we do have a favorite (we've had it for at least 4 years), but we'll most likely wait to meet her before making the final decision. The way our personalities are, we'd probably feel like we'd let people down if we told them all a name and then changed our minds when she was born. Haha! We're weird like that, what can I say?!

Letting Fear Define You...

So this is some kind of record for posting (2 days in a row!), but I can't help it when inspiration hits... not to mention I've been sick and home quite a bit lately so what else am I gonna do?

I don't watch much afternoon television. We don't get many channels and most of the time, those few channels aren't showing what I consider to be entertainment. Today, however, I was just letting it run... and Dr. Phil came on. The preview caught my attention, so I watched a bit of it (it was a re-run).

The first bit was about a woman who lives in constant fear when at home that someone will break into her house and harm her. It wasn't quite so bad until her husband got a job that required him to be gone for a few weeks at a time. Since that time, as he stated on the show, he's spent over $16,000 on all kinds of things in hopes of making her "feel safe". The worst is when she showers. Let me set this up for you... every time she showers she:

*Locks and puts door jams on her bedroom door and bathroom door

*She has 2 Dobermans sitting outside her bathroom door

*She sets an alarm inside of her bathroom

*She pulls out a .38 handgun as well as a stun-gun and places them on the toilet along with a remote panic button (to call the police), a flashlight, and her cell phone

*Only uses a clear shower curtain so she can see the door at all times in case someone starts coming through

I might've forgotten something, but you get the idea. This poor woman couldn't even explain why she was so afraid, except for several scary movies she watched as a child (and no, she never watched "Psycho"). When she was 11 she thought she heard someone breaking into her house, but nothing ever happened. Ever since then, she's been absolutely petrified of being at home alone.

I do not ever want to make light of peoples' fears. Fear is a very real and serious thing... sometimes, even a healthy thing. What I hate to see is when people let fear control their lives (or the lives of the ones around them). We all do it in one way or another.

Ever since I was little (and, unfortunately, even today) I've had to talk myself into "taking care" of this thing or that thing that I was afraid of. I remember telling myself how "silly" I was being for getting so riled up... this was to calm myself down enough to actually take care of whatever it was. This could be anything from being at home alone to killing spiders or snakes to walking in the dark.

But what I've found the most comforting is this: God is in control. While we all know that sometimes, He does allow things to happen, He is still God and He is still good. I choose to trust He will take care of me (using John to do it so much of the time). I will not let myself be controlled by fear if I can help it. "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." - 2 Tim. 1:7

Sometimes, there isn't another person we can turn to when faced with something we sincerely fear. If we choose God every time, asking Him to give us the courage to step out and face that fear (our giant or Goliath, so to speak)... I believe He will give us the strength and the common sense to deal with that fear. And then... each time... the fear will lessen a little more.

The first few years of being with John (dating and married), I had some serious issues about going to his dad's dock at night. During the day, no problem! At night... there are spiders EVERYWHERE!!! I really don't like spiders. They give me the hebejebees. His mom was awesome about my fear... mostly cause she didn't like them either AND because she was just awesome like that. She didn't ever make me feel like I was being silly or anything, but helped me keep away from them all the same. Instead of stamping my foot like a child and telling John I'm never going down there (because of snakes OR spiders... two things I do fear), I've gone, year after year... day and night. And you know what? Instead of it being a place I don't want to be (because of fear), I love it there! I can be around the spiders and let them live. I can know there are probably snakes around and be at peace (well, to an extent). But my point is that I wouldn't be at that point now, had I not taken steps, year after year, to get there.

What We Have vs. What We Need

One thing I constantly see today (in my own life as well as in the lives of others) is our never-ceasing desire to "have" things. If you just bought the latest phone, another one is already on its way out that's "even better" that you "just have to have". Think about it. How much did you pay for your most recent phone? And why did you pay that much? What kinds of features does it have that you just can't seem to live without?

I was watching an old movie yesterday and one of the things that really struck me was the telephone. It was a movie set in the late 1800's or early 1900's... so one of those "Gwen" movies that has lots of pretty dresses, cheesy lines, and that wonderful warm-fuzzy, feel-good type of show. The movie is about the happenings in a big family over the course of a year (ups and downs and all... but since it's a feel-good musical, it's mostly ups). In one particular scene, most of the family (except for the uninformed father) tries to rush through their supper because the eldest daughter is supposed to receive a long-distance telephone call (from a young man) at a certain time. The telephone is in the dining room and the family hopes he will propose, so they want to give her some privacy. It all makes for a fun and enjoyable sequence, but it really got me to thinking.

I remember when we only had a telephone in the dining room/kitchen area. I remember when we got to add one to our bedrooms as teenagers (and that was a treat, let me tell you!), probably mostly because our parents got tired of hearing us talk about nothing for hours on end. I remember the first time I saw a "car phone", my cousin had one and I thought it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. I remember watching "Saved By the Bell" and seeing Zach Morris get into trouble for talking on a cell phone (that didn't quite fit in a back pocket as easily as it does now).

Now, cell phones are everywhere. I carry mine with me at all times (unless I happen to forget it). Even when I visited a third-world country in Southeast Asia a few years ago, it didn't matter how poor those people were, most of them still had a cell phone! People like to stay connected with each other... and there's nothing wrong with that! But what do we really know to appreciate anymore? Everything is run by technology of some kind.

Here in the U.S. we thrive... we have grocery stores, restaurants, cars, electricity, airports, Apps on our phones to find whatever we can't... but what would we do if it was all taken away. Nature alone has proven over and over in the last several years, that it can take away our luxuries in only a moment. But with so much happening around our globe, I know that nature is not our only threat.

One place I've visited in my travels was a country (now third-world) that was "up-to-date", so to speak, with the rest of the world (technologically, economically, etc.) until the late 1970's. When they were invaded and taken over by another country, it set them back 50 years. That finally got handled, but then the already crippled country got taken over again, setting them back another 50 years. Now, there is a massive lack of education (most of the people don't even know there is such a thing as an ocean), streets are literally covered in human waste, and only the wealthy have direct access to such things as water, electricity (brought up by generators), and, if they're lucky, air-conditioning.

I know the U.S. is much bigger and in a better location that this other country, but are we really so prideful as to believe that NOTHING can happen to us? Technology has been a friend to us thus far, yes, but we've seen enough movies (yes, I said it, movies) to know that it REALLY CAN be taken away, whether by nature or by other people. Then what? Just think about it... IF electricity alone were completely knocked out for weeks or months on end, what would we do? Pretty much everything is digital now-a-days so:
Could we buy gas? Could we buy groceries? Could we get to any money at the bank? How would we feed our families? If it's winter, how would we keep warm? Would you still have a way to contact loved ones (since your cell phone won't work anymore)? What if our possibility for electricity restoration was a year or two away? Could we grow and make our own food like people used to, without the help of the internet to tell us how?

I know this may sound like I'm on a rant against technology, but TRUST ME, I'm not. I'll appreciate and take advantage of it as much as I can!!! It's just something I've been thinking about. Going back to the movie I mentioned earlier: One thing I love about that particular type of movie is that it has one of those "It doesn't matter what happens as long as we're together," lessons to it. That's the thing so many people seem to miss today. We can work. We can pretty much do as we please with our free-time, the responsibilities of keeping up a home excluded. But what do we do with our time? Do we spend it with our friends and families, getting to know and love them even more? Do we invite neighbors or strangers into our homes to love on them? (This introvert doesn't!) Or do we look for other "things" to fill our time? I do... I think I'm the best at it.

The sad part is, will this poor world have to be subjected to having little to nothing left for people to realize what really matters? What things are actual "needs" versus what are merely "wants"? I hope not... but unfortunately, having things taken away seems like the best way to get our attention.

The End...

One thing I have discovered over my short life thus far is that sometimes people are wrong. I can be wrong, you can be wrong, he can be wrong, she can be wrong. Christians can be wrong, atheists are wrong (but don't tell them that or you'll never hear the end of it)... people of all cultures, backgrounds, and races each have the ability (and tendency) to be wrong. What is most frustrating about being wrong, is having to admit this to other people. Some people won't do it for anything... when they think they're right, they're right. Some shrink away till they become more of a doormat.... always declaring that they were wrong and the other person is right. Very few seem to have the ability to do both: admit when they're wrong and stand firm when they're right. But how does one really know when it's the right time to do either? Even your decisions in that can be wrong!

Take for example, our recent "End of the World" prediction. Even though the rapture didn't happen as predicted, I'm not going to say the guy is completely and utterly mistaken. One of his statements was "It's the beginning of the end"... which to me, is different from just "the end".

As a believer, I have looked forward to Jesus's return since I first learned about it (although I did occasionally ask Him to hold off until ____ or _____ happened). When I first started reading Revelation and Daniel, I got so interested in studying it because I wanted to know "When"... when is it going to happen? Growing up, I remember Dad always saying that it would happen before we graduated high school. Obviously... it didn't. We've seen people predict it (to the day) over and over and then... nothing happens.

Unfortunately, what I've come to realize is that these predictions (with nothing happening) only make the world as a whole less and less likely to believe it will ever happen. Why do you think the Bible says there will be "scoffers"? People might've been inclined to believe Noah when he first began building his boat (even though they'd probably never seen such a thing as rain) because it was a new idea and he was passionate about it. But after a few hundred years of building it... people were fed up with even the mention of it!

Today, Christians are a group of people who have waited for Christ's return for about 2,000 years. The first and early churches believed they'd get to experience it, just as we feel like we will experience it now. What I find so incredibly sad is that instead of focusing energy and resources on really reaching out to others and showing them love and other 'fruits' daily (which can lead them to Jesus), many Christians focus all of their attention on the "urgency" to become a Christian. "You're almost out of time. The world's gonna end; better accept Jesus NOW!!!" This goes hand in hand with the question: "Do you know where you will go if you die tomorrow? Hell is full of fire and darkness and despair... Jesus is the only one that can save you from that so choose Him NOW!"

I'm not saying these things don't have any truth to them, by no means! There should be an urgency because this life is all you've got to decide! But when you only view Jesus as a "way to get to heaven" or "Fire Insurance", there's no real relationship there. You never get to experience His awesome presence in your life. Others never get to see His love through you. The very thought or image people have of Him gets completely obscured.

Many have come and many will come professing a day when "The End" is here... I'm not going to tell you not to listen to them. Even if nothing happens, it's a good time to evaluate where you are, spiritually, in your life. But I'm not going to necessarily urge you to listen to them either... mainly because of that verse that says "The day and the hour are unknown". But I do believe, just as others hundreds of years before me have believed, that He will come soon. But God's version of 'soon' and our version of 'soon' are two very different things. As Aslan says in "The Chronicles of Narnia": "I call all time soon". So whether the predictors turn out to be right or wrong... it doesn't matter. Knowing you have peace about whenever it DOES finally happen (tomorrow or years and years from now), is more important.

"How many a them hormones you takin', Honey?"

I don't know if there are any "Fried Green Tomatoes" fans out there, but if you are, you may recall the time Evelyn repeatedly crashes her car into the "younger and faster" teenager's car when they took the parking space she was waiting on. Up to this point, all we've seen is Evelyn put up with a selfish (and sometimes cruel) society by simply being silent and going on. She did try once before the car-thing, only to have her groceries fall out the bottom of the sack. It's been a while since I've seen this movie, but if I recall it correctly, it was after that experience that she goes - crying all the way - to see Ninny who tells her she's going through "the change" and to get herself "some hormones" and she'll feel better.

So Evelyn gets the hormones, apparently, and starts feeling a little better... and then the teens come along and steal her parking space. As she explains to them that she was waiting for the space before they ever even came along, they snobbishly say, "Well face it lady... we're younger and faster." As they walk away, you can see it all over Evelyn's face: she'd had enough! "Tawanda," she mutters as she floors it and rams her car right into the poor, defenseless VW Bug... and then backs up and does it again... and again. When the teens come screaming back and ask her what is wrong with her, she calmly says, "Face it girls... I'm older and I have more insurance." Still high on a power trip, she then goes and relays the whole story to Ninny. Ninny can't seem to get her calmed down and finally asks, as the scene closes, "How many a them hormones you takin', Honey?"

Well... I'm not taking any hormones, but they are definitely multiplied right now! I have known many pregnant women throughout my life. A few of them are really good at it, never seem bothered by much of anything, don't burst into tears at the drop of a hat, might get overwhelmed looking at times, but that's about it. I've decided I'm not one of them; I'm NOT good at it.

When I first found out I was pregnant, people kept making me feel like they were watching me like a hawk... "If I say/do this, is she gonna cry?" After I kept telling them, I wasn't going to, and them saying, "Oh, you will... your hormones are going crazy right now," I finally just stopped worrying about what they thought I may/may not do and just continued as before. I do know myself well enough to know that it takes a lot to make me cry... unless it's been a while since I've had a laughing or crying fit... then I do both for a good 15-20 minutes... and I'm good for about a year. =)

I've cried a couple times since I found out I was pregnant, one was during "Little Women" on a night I just wanted to quit and go home. I don't remember the other time, but I'm sure there was one so I added it in for good measure.

Unfortunately, what I've come to realize over the last week... I don't get sad and weepy... I get angry. I'm offended much more easily than I ever was before, and I hate that! It makes me feel like I've got all of this stuff - petty, stupid stuff that I blow way out of proportion - against other people. Stuff I can normally let go, but just can't seem to right now. I was telling John last night that it really bothers me because I feel like I get mad at people - friends or strangers - at the drop of a hat. Poor guy... this put him on his guard and he was worried about saying pretty much anything to me the rest of the night.

I know my anger probably stems from other things I haven't fully dealt with yet (and that have been pushed to a back burner), but I am trying to deal with it. That anger is intertwined with hurt and grief... and those things only God can truly heal, one step at a time. So as I take those steps with Him, how can I avoid these hormones getting so out of whack that I just want to beat on something (which would need to be fixed), break something (which I'd have to clean up immediately following), or tell someone off (which never solves anything because you say a mixture of things you do mean and don't mean and find it hard to figure out the difference)?

As I struggle with this anger, I also find I'm more insecure, feeling like I'm offending people just as easily as I'm being offended. This makes for an extra-crazy feeling all around. I've heard that children will make you crazy... I just thought that it would be AFTER they were out of the womb! (I know, I know... Little Sully is not the ultimate reason for my current insanity... it's the hormones that accompany him/her.)

I'm not writing all of this to ward off having anyone around me anymore!!! Please don't think that... I just don't like feeling this way (constantly mad at the world and paranoid). That and I wanted to give you all fair warning! Haha!

Thank you all so much for so many of your kind, thoughtful words and well-wishes. John and I are so excited and, even though I'm currently even more insane than I used to be, we love having each and everyone of you share in our joy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving on us the way that you do. We are truly blessed beyond measure by having friends like you.

Much Love!

Gwen

4 + 2 = Baby!!!

Hello All!!! As you may have already read on Facebook... We're having a Baby!!! Yay!!!

But you maybe wondering why my title makes no sense. It has nothing to do with how long we've been waiting. (As I've said in previous posts, I've wanted to be a mom since the first time I held a baby... and I was 6 years old.) Although John and I have been married for 9 years (the past 7 years without using any form of birth control), we'd never once been blessed to have a little one... or even a positive pregnancy test (not that I would've welcomed losing a child). Last week, however, was a different story.

I didn't really think there was any way that I could be pregnant. No morning sickness or nausea... just tired a lot (but I'd had a crazy, busy week the week before and my allergies were bothering me pretty bad... so tired sounded right). Without going into too many girlie details, let's just say I finally decided to take a home pregnancy test. I saw a (seemingly) faint 2nd line appear pretty quickly. Since it was so faint, I didn't feel like there was any way it could be right, so I did what a lot of women do... I drove to Walmart and bought 2 more boxes of pregnancy tests (just to make sure). You might think I'm nuts, but you have to remember, I'd never seen those 2 lines before... I thought my hopes were going to be dashed with a second test and so I'd need at least a 3rd to see which one was right.

Well... the second test (different brand) showed me another (seemingly) faint 2nd line. My heart started pounding/racing, my hands started shaking. I looked at the boxes of tests I'd just bought, glad I wouldn't need a 3rd to confirm. I dropped the 2nd test into the zip-lock bag I'd put the first one in. I made out some deposits so I'd have an "excuse" to be at the bank for a few minutes (this way John wouldn't think anything was up), hands shaking and heart pounding all along the way. After making the deposits (who knew a simple deposit could feel like it took forever and a day?), I made my way back to John's office.

Now... as I said before, my allergies had been bothering me quite a bit... this day was no exception. So, when I walked into John's office, all he noticed was how tired I looked. I was thankful for this, since I was trying to catch him by surprise. Ever since I was a young girl, I've always wanted to be able to surprise my husband with this kind of news and tell him in a special way that he would be a daddy. After a bit of small-talk, I finally said:

"I've got good news and bad news... which do you want first?" (Knowing he' say bad)

"Bad," he said in his 'uh-oh, what's happened' tone, not letting me down.

"Well," I began, taking a deep breath, "it looks like we might have to redo the guest bedroom..."

"What? Why?" he interjected. His tone sounded more like, "What did she do now?!" which you can't blame him for since I have lots of mishaps... but that's another story.

"Well... because of the good news..." [pause for breath] "I might be pregnant."

I pulled the zip-lock bag out of my purse and showed him the 2 tests I'd taken. His face was priceless... I hope I never forget it. He couldn't believe it either and he was so excited. Wow... makes me giddy just thinkin' about it. It was a very special moment. =)

After telling a few other people (and telling them not to tell anyone), one of them convinced me to go ahead and get the blood test done that day (instead of waiting a week, like I'd planned). After taking another home-pregnancy test (because this is just not really happening), I went and got a blood test and it came back positive, but the doctor told me if I wanted to make absolutely certain, to come back and take it again the next day around the same time to make sure the levels were rising like they should... so I did (after yet another at home test) and they were!!! It was after this second blood test that I felt like I could stop saying "might" have a baby and could move on to "am" having a baby... and it only took 4 home pregnancy tests and 2 blood tests! Haha! =)

But even now, I'll admit, it still doesn't seem real. I'll try to write more soon on what I've already been learning and what God's been showing me through all of this... But for now, I just wanted to share a bit of our happy news with you. Thank you for your prayers and for the love that you've shown us. Even before this joy was handed to us, I knew it was the prayers of others that was getting me through. Thank you.

***Oh... and for those who are wondering:

I'm 5 weeks along (in Dr. terms... not actual), due somewhere around

November 19th, I think.***

Dreams - The Alligator in My Closet

Been a while since I've done a dream post... this one is not recurring, it was just a seemingly random dream I had last night. When I woke up, I felt like I'd "gone 'round the bend". Then I looked up a few things and quickly realized, I've got some issues God and I need to deal with. I still don't know what all of it means, but I have hints here and there:

I remember being on top of a frozen body of water (pond or a lake maybe?) and staring at a creature – a whale or a shark – frozen inside of the ice towards the surface. I was scared for it to get out, but at the same time had compassion for it. I was not alone, there were other people with me (though I can’t remember who any of them were). We were all trying to figure something out… I don’t know if it was how to free the creature or whether we wondered what would happen when (not if) it got free.

Standing on something that FEELS solid, and standing on something that IS solid are two very different things (especially spiritually). Since the shark/whale was trapped inside of the ice, I felt safe standing on top of it. But something about that creature made me scared... I didn't want to have to deal with it. This, I know, is due to my lack of desire to deal with a lot of things right now (spiritual and physical)... because dealing with them scares me and overwhelms me more than leaving them alone. The only reason why I do want to work through anything right now is simply so that it will be behind me and done... but I avoid it, feeling as if it will do no good, knowing the outcome will still be the same.

Next thing I know I’m under the ice. We’d made a large hole to fit through and I was seeing how far down the ice went… the ice itself was shallow – though the water below and all around seemed to go on for forever – but I remember worrying that it would refreeze before I surfaced because I suddenly knew I was alone, so I wasn’t down there long. It was underneath the surface that I remember the creature being more like a whale… it was enormous and beautiful! It being beautiful, didn't stop the fear though; it was just a different kind of fear. And the great expanse of blue surrounding me was serene and peaceful.

This second part speaks to me more on a spiritual level than anything else. Especially when concerning the whale. Even though I was scared of it, like it was going to devour me, I couldn't help but take a moment to marvel at how big and beautiful it was. Except for those couple of moments when I feared it and when I wondered if the the ice would refreeze above me, I was calm. Everything was calm and I felt like I could almost rest there... but I knew there was something I had to do, so I eventually rushed back to the surface. This is how I am with God so many times. I will take short moments (that are never long enough) to recognize again how big and awesome He is, only to quickly be distracted by the worries elsewhere that I have to deal with. In those brief moments with Him, however, there is peace, calmness, and the strength.

I can’t remember if it turned into an alligator before or after I came up from the water (which was all calm and clear underneath the ice). But when I surfaced, there wasn’t much time before it wriggled free of it’s cage. Suddenly all of the frozen water seemed to be melting away at lightning speed. I fled, still on top of the ice that was left. The next thing I know, I’m looking though a doorway at the scene of the alligator swimming in wild currents of a raging river towards me. It seemed vicious so I closed the door. It was then that I noticed the door was to the closet in my childhood bedroom. I was worried it might get through for a moment before finally walking away from the door. I remember later thinking (in the dream or in reality… not sure which), “don’t open that door… the alligator is in there.”

One of the things that I looked up was the "alligator" and found it could represent so many things... and many of them are significant to me right now. Basically, it boils down to the fact that I'm running away from dealing with certain faults and emotions right now... becoming insensitive to some other things (and people) completely. Some of my issues have been dealt with, but I know there are more, with more obstacles to try and block my way. I think my biggest fear was that whatever those faults/emotions are, they'll devour me in some way whenever I am finally able to deal with them. The closing of my childhood closet door, I think, symbolizes my desire for everything to go back to an innocent and simpler way of life, where I don't constantly feel so overwhelmed by anxiety and worry.

So basically… there’s an alligator in my closet. God is good to always help me deal with things step by step. But lately, I guess I haven't really wanted to deal with anything. Busy-ness and various distractions are a key part of that, but more than anything, I know it's because I've avoided it. Facing that alligator does not sound like fun, but hopefully, I can do it soon... and get him and the raging river out of my closet!!!