"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3

All that to say, God may bless us with children, He may not. For now, He helps me to choose joy, to trust Him, and to wait on His timing. My biggest double portion from Him is John, who constantly gives me his own double portions, whether I remember to give him my gratitude or not.

If anyone reading this struggles or has struggled with infertility, remember that you’re not alone. Others before you (even thousands of years before you) struggled with it, others are struggling with it, and others will struggle with it in the future. God really does know what is best and His timing is perfect. But, more than anything, remember to appreciate your “double portion” that God places in your life. You may be having a hard time seeing it right now, but it’s there. If your marriage is struggling because of it, try to make it (the marriage) your priority. Men struggle too, even though they don’t always show/say it. So don’t be afraid to tell and show your husband how important he is to you. He needs to know, whether he expresses it or not. Don’t let your desire for a child burden your marriage down so much that it breaks from the strain. Love and appreciate each other. Allow God to work.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try or anything. But wouldn’t it be far better to finally receive a child into a home (through pregnancy or adoption) that has a strong marriage than into a home where the marriage hangs on by a thread because of all the “baby” strain? If I have learned anything in recent years, it’s that a marriage sometimes hangs on “for the children”… until the children move out. Then what? It falls apart! Two people no longer feel connected because they don’t know who the other person is 20 years later. They haven’t truly invested in one another… in their relationship. The more unfortunate part is that they don’t really know how, because they haven’t practiced.

Don’t let this be your marriage. Keep working on your relationship, before, during, and after you have children. You made a covenant with your spouse. A COVENANT!!! If you make a daily choice to love your spouse and love on them and serve them (as Christ called us to serve each other) as best you can, regardless of those trials that will come (such as infertility, the daily struggles with as well as the deaths of friends and family, or, God forbid, the loss of a child), you will have your best friend right there by your side to help see you through it. If you don’t, you will only have a stranger… and the trial will, most likely, tear you apart.

Well... that's my rant for now. Guess I was trying to make up for lost time! =)

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 2

A friend of mine loaned me a book called “Baby Hunger” by Beth Forbus. She brought it to me at a time when I was really struggling, emotionally, with… well… baby hunger. God has given me peace about our not having any children yet countless times. Sometimes, however, I need to be reminded. This was one of those times.

As I began reading it, God had already given me peace through the prayers of others, but He began to open my eyes to new understanding. He also reminded me of some things, such as “in due time” and that He can and will purposefully “open or close the womb”. These are two things I’ve clung to over the years as I’ve waited. But what He is still teaching me exceeds even that.

Even before this book, He has been teaching me about appreciating John (hopefully, you can see that in previous posts). I don’t always show how much I appreciate that man. The first few years of our marriage were not easy, but he was always reassuring and loving. He may not understand my desires, but he supports them. He may not understand my emotions, but he comforts me and makes me laugh to ease any hurt. When I have those crazy, hormonal mood swings, he is patient. We may be at odds at times, but he is pushy enough to make sure no one sleeps on the couch (unless I’m sick, of course)… we have to at least talk things out before we fall asleep. He has a tender heart, but is always watching for any danger that could come my way, ready to combat it in some way if necessary. He is by my side as much as possible when I’m sick (unless I send him out of the house), making sure I have anything/everything I might need.

Do you remember the story of Hannah in the Bible? The one with the woman who weeps and prays and weeps and prays for years to have a child? Though he is not mentioned as much in the story, her husband, Elkanah, is present. He may have two wives, but we get to see his love for Hannah and his desire to please her in the way that he gives her a “double portion” at meals. His other wife has children, which (I guess) would usually make her more of a favorite, but (just as with Jacob, Leah, and Rachel) not in this case. We see that Elkanah tries to console Hannah and show her favor in front of others (even his other wife). It didn’t seem to matter to him whether Hannah bore him a child or not (which in that day would have been a big deal), he loved her and wanted her to be happy regardless. He loves on her in such a way as to try to “fill the void” of her childless state. We don’t get to see whether she shows appreciation for his efforts. We do see his frustration with her though: “Am I not better to you than ten sons?”

Maybe he was tired of her weeping, of the constant conversations about not having children yet, of trying to console her every time his other wife would torment Hannah with hurtful remarks, of trying to make peace in his household… I don’t know. But maybe Hannah forgot to appreciate all of the good things Elkanah did for her. Maybe she appreciated it but forgot to show it. I don’t know. I’m sure Elkanah wanted children by Hannah, but he wasn’t about to let not having them destroy their marriage… or his love for her.

As I look back over our marriage, I can see where John may have said that to me… not those words exactly, but something basically boiling down to: “Am I not enough?” I can see how God could’ve asked me that too at many points in my life. Thankfully, God has shown me grace and given me a “double portion” so many times. John does too. I may not always show or say how much I love and appreciate them, but I do. Without John, I know I could go on, but I don’t know if I’d want to… he brings so much joy and sunshine to my life. Without God… wow… I KNOW I couldn’t go on… life would no longer have meaning, purpose… hope. I wouldn’t want to exist in a world where He doesn’t exist. What would be the point?

(See continuing post in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3)

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 1

Hello all!!! It has been a while since I blogged, I know. One reason being that John and I were on vacation for two weeks… and then I had to recover (catch up) from being gone for two weeks! But now I’m back. Maybe I’ll blog about vacation one of these days, but not today. Today, I’m going to share something very personal… something I don’t share with many people… but it’s been laid on my heart, so here goes.

I remember after John and I had dated for a while, I was constantly asked, “So when are you two getting married?” Less than a week after we got married, the question changed to, “So when are you gonna have kids?” Even to this day, I try to avoid telling anyone if I have a stomach bug because they automatically assume that I’m pregnant.

After 8½ years of marriage, John and I have yet to be blessed with a child… or even a pregnancy (that we know of). Instead, we play aunt and uncle (John’s more of a fun play-mate) to our nieces and nephews and to the many children God has blessed our beloved friends with. The questions still come though. “Do you want kids?” “When are you two going to start thinking about having children?” And of course, one of my favorites is what seems to be a constant conversation with people I haven’t seen for a number of years, but they know John and I are married, so they ask:

“So how long have you been married now?”

“8½ years.”

“How many children do you have?”

“None yet.”

“Oh… why not?”

I normally respond, “Because God hasn’t blessed us with them yet.” Sometimes, depending on their questions, I’ll go into it a bit more, but I find there are many times it just seems to make the conversation turn awkward. I’m not much of a conversationalist so the exchange isn’t usually extensive.

But in answer to all of these questions: Do we want children? Of course we do! We love children! They are a joyous blessing that we hope to have one day. As I get older, I do begin worrying about the draining effect… where they drain all of your energy and money… but we still want them regardless! As for when we are going to start thinking about having children… well, consider it thought of. I’ve wanted to be a mother ever since I first held a baby in my arms (and I was six years old!). John hasn’t had the desire as long as that, but he definitely wants them too.

My response to, “Why not?” is as true as I know how to put it. God hasn’t blessed us with children yet. Why? I do not know, only He does. But I rest in the hope that He will one day… in HIS time. One of my biggest comforts is in looking at the complexities of life. How in my life alone, I have come into contact with certain people, been taught by certain people, been loved on by certain people… all of whom I would not have been with at those specific times had I been born at a different time or in a different place. I know God has a plan for my life, for John’s life, and for our children’s lives. Who am I to try to say when the timing should be? Yes, I know when I WANT it to be (uh… now), but it gives me an unspeakable amount of peace to know that His timing is perfect, much more perfect than mine could ever be.

I know there could be physical issues happening that we don’t know about yet, but we are not at the point where we have no peace and have to find things out. Frankly, I hope that point never comes. When I get my mind set on something, I can be pretty obsessive about it until it is finished… and I don’t want to be that way, especially about having children. My attitude and emotions aren’t very pretty during those times and John doesn’t deserve that. =)

Which brings me to the whole reason why I began writing this: John.

(See continuing story in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 2)

Random: Halo

Over the past year, John and I have started passing time by playing Halo with each other... the first one. This may surprise some of you, but I really enjoy playing it!

When I was little, I remember hanging out at a neighbor's house and playing Mario Bros. a lot... until they moved away. I always enjoyed it. We never had a Nintendo, but I still enjoyed playing the few computer games we had that involved defeating different levels. So when John started playing Halo with some guys from our church while we were living in Chickasha, my interest was sparked... but I never got involved.

The one time I actually played with him during that time, we played against each other... by the way this was on my birthday and I'd never played it before... it ended with me being really mad at him for not teaching me how to do things before killing me over and over and over. I didn't play again until last year. It went much better that time.

We started off by playing against each other, mainly so he could teach me the basics... making sure I could walk, learn how to pick up new weapons, load, shoot, throw grenades (away from myself and towards him)... oh... and stop walking off of things. Then we played a little bit as a team against the aliens. I enjoyed that much more. It was still a little frustrating though since I was still having trouble navigating my way around and figuring out what we were supposed to do.

Later that week, John came home from work to find me playing Halo. I wanted to play it a little bit while he was gone so that I could improve and feel like I knew more about what was going on. He laughs about it now, even though he got to see what it's like for parents to try to get their kids' attention while playing video games. He called out my name several times and I never responded or stopped because I was so into it. We played off and on during the following weeks before finally realizing we were playing it too much and putting it away.

A couple of months ago, we dragged it back out... and have played it quite a bit since. We play as a team and also play against each other (sometimes- it still doesn't go that great when we play against each other, but it's better than it used to be). It actually got to a point where I realized we must be playing it too much again. Why? Well, here are a few reasons:

YOU KNOW YOU'VE PLAYED TOO MUCH HALO WHEN:

*You close your eyes and all you see are those massive green blobs of light that Hunters throw at you or those yellow aliens with swords.

*You come upon a to-go box that someone has dropped in the road and automatically wonder if you need that health-pack.

*You see a bug or a spider in your house and think of how easy it would be to throw a tiny plasma grenade on them to get rid of it.

Know this is really random... but been wanting to share it for a while. Find it humorous. =)