Been a while since I've done a dream post... this one is not recurring, it was just a seemingly random dream I had last night. When I woke up, I felt like I'd "gone 'round the bend". Then I looked up a few things and quickly realized, I've got some issues God and I need to deal with. I still don't know what all of it means, but I have hints here and there:
I remember being on top of a frozen body of water (pond or a lake maybe?) and staring at a creature – a whale or a shark – frozen inside of the ice towards the surface. I was scared for it to get out, but at the same time had compassion for it. I was not alone, there were other people with me (though I can’t remember who any of them were). We were all trying to figure something out… I don’t know if it was how to free the creature or whether we wondered what would happen when (not if) it got free.
Standing on something that FEELS solid, and standing on something that IS solid are two very different things (especially spiritually). Since the shark/whale was trapped inside of the ice, I felt safe standing on top of it. But something about that creature made me scared... I didn't want to have to deal with it. This, I know, is due to my lack of desire to deal with a lot of things right now (spiritual and physical)... because dealing with them scares me and overwhelms me more than leaving them alone. The only reason why I do want to work through anything right now is simply so that it will be behind me and done... but I avoid it, feeling as if it will do no good, knowing the outcome will still be the same.
Next thing I know I’m under the ice. We’d made a large hole to fit through and I was seeing how far down the ice went… the ice itself was shallow – though the water below and all around seemed to go on for forever – but I remember worrying that it would refreeze before I surfaced because I suddenly knew I was alone, so I wasn’t down there long. It was underneath the surface that I remember the creature being more like a whale… it was enormous and beautiful! It being beautiful, didn't stop the fear though; it was just a different kind of fear. And the great expanse of blue surrounding me was serene and peaceful.
This second part speaks to me more on a spiritual level than anything else. Especially when concerning the whale. Even though I was scared of it, like it was going to devour me, I couldn't help but take a moment to marvel at how big and beautiful it was. Except for those couple of moments when I feared it and when I wondered if the the ice would refreeze above me, I was calm. Everything was calm and I felt like I could almost rest there... but I knew there was something I had to do, so I eventually rushed back to the surface. This is how I am with God so many times. I will take short moments (that are never long enough) to recognize again how big and awesome He is, only to quickly be distracted by the worries elsewhere that I have to deal with. In those brief moments with Him, however, there is peace, calmness, and the strength.
I can’t remember if it turned into an alligator before or after I came up from the water (which was all calm and clear underneath the ice). But when I surfaced, there wasn’t much time before it wriggled free of it’s cage. Suddenly all of the frozen water seemed to be melting away at lightning speed. I fled, still on top of the ice that was left. The next thing I know, I’m looking though a doorway at the scene of the alligator swimming in wild currents of a raging river towards me. It seemed vicious so I closed the door. It was then that I noticed the door was to the closet in my childhood bedroom. I was worried it might get through for a moment before finally walking away from the door. I remember later thinking (in the dream or in reality… not sure which), “don’t open that door… the alligator is in there.”
One of the things that I looked up was the "alligator" and found it could represent so many things... and many of them are significant to me right now. Basically, it boils down to the fact that I'm running away from dealing with certain faults and emotions right now... becoming insensitive to some other things (and people) completely. Some of my issues have been dealt with, but I know there are more, with more obstacles to try and block my way. I think my biggest fear was that whatever those faults/emotions are, they'll devour me in some way whenever I am finally able to deal with them. The closing of my childhood closet door, I think, symbolizes my desire for everything to go back to an innocent and simpler way of life, where I don't constantly feel so overwhelmed by anxiety and worry.
So basically… there’s an alligator in my closet. God is good to always help me deal with things step by step. But lately, I guess I haven't really wanted to deal with anything. Busy-ness and various distractions are a key part of that, but more than anything, I know it's because I've avoided it. Facing that alligator does not sound like fun, but hopefully, I can do it soon... and get him and the raging river out of my closet!!!
