Thanksgiving may be tomorrow but let's face it... by the time I finish writing this, it will probably BE tomorrow!
As I reflect this year on what I'm thankful for, there are so many things that I could and probably should name. But what comes to mind the most at present is laughter. Laughter is such a wonderful thing. Laughing with loved ones just makes me feel closer to them in a way, a way I can't explain. Whether you're playing a game, chatting over dinner or ice cream (or - dare I say it? - a Triple Chocolate Meltdown!), or even recollecting favorite parts of a movie... I love those feelings of being drawn closer together through laughter.
I'm not even sure how many years it's been since I first dreamed of having a little boy. I know John and I were still living in Chickasha - meaning we were basically still newlyweds. There have been many times since then that I've dreamed of him... some of those times causing a literal ache in my heart to get to meet him. Of course, I had the same feelings with Abigail when I first met her in my dreams 4-5 years ago. Abigail was an obvious joy and delight, especially with her daddy (hence the name Abigail meaning "Joy of the Father").
But even with Abigail's arrival, I hoped God would still fulfill the dreams of the past and grant us a son in the future... our little Samuel Josiah. And now, he's on the way! People keep asking me what we're going to name him. Samuel Josiah is what we picked several years ago. We love the meanings of both and it's been his name for years already! But not long after I found out I was pregnant this time around, I just wanted to call him Isaac. Isaac not only means "Child of Promise" but, even more fittingly to my life right now, it means "Laughter". I laughed hysterically when I found out we were pregnant again! John... not so much... but I have on many occasions just thinking of God's timing. (The timing being almost 10 years for Abigail and then less than 10 months before we find out another one is on the way!) I laugh at God's surprises... the good ones! I rejoice in getting to finally meet my little boy for the first time.
Last year, just a couple of weeks before Abigail was born, I remember attending a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. He picked up his ukulele and began playing, explaining that he'd asked God, "Why a ukulele?" when he'd initially felt the urge to play it. Then it was like God told him, "Because you need to smile again". He continued, "And I found out, you can't play the ukulele without smiling... and nodding your head side to side..." (Disclaimer: I'm sure it's not EXACTLY what he said... but it was along those lines and you get the idea.)
At that point, I could smile and appreciate what was meant in the story. I knew I needed that kind of smile again, though my pain was nowhere near what that family has suffered. But when I found out this little one - who occasionally seems to dance inside of my womb - was a boy... I couldn't and can't help but think of those words: "Because you need to smile [laugh] again." So if we name him Samuel Josiah and you ever hear me call him Isaac... well... now you'll know why! He is not only my "child of promise"... he is my child of "laughter".
To sum up: This year, as I reflect on what I'm most thankful for, I'm overwhelmed by what God has done over this past year. Heartache has turned to healing, sorrow has turned to joy, and tears... well... now there's laughter that are sometimes accompanied by tears! But more than just laughter in itself, God has been bringing me back to a place of trusting Him and remembering that He is faithful. He's been reminding me what it's like to laugh (sometimes, for seemingly no reason at all)!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
To Abigail on her 1st Birthday!
My sweet, baby girl. If the years ahead go by as fast as this past year has, we're in for a quick ride! As I write this, I recall this time last year... I was just admitted to the hospital to have you (but it would be another 12+ hours before you arrived). Then you finally came and disappeared to the NICU for the next 10 days. During those times, I knew you would be alright, but I couldn't wait to bring you home.
Here we are a year later and I cannot believe how it has flown by! I don't want to recount a bunch of things you can read in your scrapbook. I just want you to know a few things about what I've enjoyed about you this past year.
1) You are here! I still can't believe it... and it's been a year! I'm so thankful that God finally brought you into our lives.
2) I love the way your daddy absolutely melts with you. Ever since you were born, the smallest glimmer of attention you gave to him as if to say "I love you" (which has been in many forms such as an incredibly well-timed burp or toot, the steady looks you give him, the smiles, the laughs, the conversations we can't understand yet) has constantly captured his heart. Yes... he's a goner for you... but I don't see that as a bad thing.
3) Going to Walmart. This may sound weird, especially since it can be frustrating at times (like those first few months when I'd try to feed you while pushing/steering the cart and holding the carrier in place), but the attention you get never ceases to amaze me. The way people talk to you - and you talk back to them - and the way you give smiles to pretty much all you come in contact with - always receiving smiles in return... you are a social-bug like your daddy, that's all there is to it.
4) I know a lot of these seem to have to do with Daddy, but he is "the fun one" after all. I love watching how excited you get when he comes home. And how, lately, you'll see him grab his phone and/or keys and immediately start saying "bye-bye" and waving. You get upset at night if you haven't spend enough time with Daddy... melting him enough to give you all the time you want with him. I love watching you play with him and the way he makes you laugh.
5) I love our bedtime routine. It's getting a bit more difficult for me to make it out of the recliner while holding you, but I still enjoy getting to read to you and sing to you, all while rocking you. And then there are those times I take you back to your room, as Daddy says "nighty-night" and you just start saying "bye-bye" and waving... cracks us up.
6) I love watching you talk to your toys. I always wonder what's going through your mind and what you are really saying, but it never gets old to watch you try to interact with things.
7) I love it when a song comes on that you like and you start dancing. I can only hope that your dancing abilities are far better than mine! (You've always had a good sense of rhythm though... so there's a start.)
8) I love watching you be outside. The look of awe and wonder has always been all over your face when you are out there. The way you used to try to capture the sunlight or the wind in your little hand, the way you try to "catch" wind in your mouth... you are always happy if you are outside - another of your Daddy's qualities.
9) I love the way you show excitement with your whole body, especially your legs! Whether we're playing or you see Daddy come home, I love watching those legs start going and you squeal with delight!
10) I love watching you with your stuffed animals. If they "give you kisses" you practically maul them right back.
11) I love that one of your first words was "pretty"... though it sounds more like "pahity"... and that you say it most every time I open your closet.
12) I love to watch you with jewelry. Your fascination with it has been there since birth and it absolutely cracks me up. You love accessories that sparkle, and notice when something is missing.
Abigail, there's so much more I could write, I'm sure, but my eyes are heavy and you'll be awake before I know it. But as the clock begins to switch over to your actual birthday, I want you to know a couple of things:
*I love you so very much. Your daddy loves you as if you were the only daughter ever born in this world. We will not be perfect parents... but everything we do, I hope, will always be out of love and for your best (as best we know how).
*Our love is incomparable to the love God has for you. I hope His love is something you will never doubt, but will always cling to. I pray you will come to know and love Him from an early age... and that you will continue to follow Him and grow in a relationship with Him for the rest of your life.
Father, we thank You for the past year with Abigail, the precious gift You have entrusted to our care. We thank You for the blessing she is and the joy she brings to our lives. I know there are times we get frustrated, but thank You for carrying us through. Thank You for Your protection and special care over her this past year. You have taught me so much with her and I look forward to watching her grow up with the sibling You're sending us in a few months. Thank You for loving us the way You do. She's been more than I ever dreamed she'd be to us... and DEFINITELY worth the wait. Thank You so much!
Here we are a year later and I cannot believe how it has flown by! I don't want to recount a bunch of things you can read in your scrapbook. I just want you to know a few things about what I've enjoyed about you this past year.
1) You are here! I still can't believe it... and it's been a year! I'm so thankful that God finally brought you into our lives.
2) I love the way your daddy absolutely melts with you. Ever since you were born, the smallest glimmer of attention you gave to him as if to say "I love you" (which has been in many forms such as an incredibly well-timed burp or toot, the steady looks you give him, the smiles, the laughs, the conversations we can't understand yet) has constantly captured his heart. Yes... he's a goner for you... but I don't see that as a bad thing.
3) Going to Walmart. This may sound weird, especially since it can be frustrating at times (like those first few months when I'd try to feed you while pushing/steering the cart and holding the carrier in place), but the attention you get never ceases to amaze me. The way people talk to you - and you talk back to them - and the way you give smiles to pretty much all you come in contact with - always receiving smiles in return... you are a social-bug like your daddy, that's all there is to it.
4) I know a lot of these seem to have to do with Daddy, but he is "the fun one" after all. I love watching how excited you get when he comes home. And how, lately, you'll see him grab his phone and/or keys and immediately start saying "bye-bye" and waving. You get upset at night if you haven't spend enough time with Daddy... melting him enough to give you all the time you want with him. I love watching you play with him and the way he makes you laugh.
5) I love our bedtime routine. It's getting a bit more difficult for me to make it out of the recliner while holding you, but I still enjoy getting to read to you and sing to you, all while rocking you. And then there are those times I take you back to your room, as Daddy says "nighty-night" and you just start saying "bye-bye" and waving... cracks us up.
6) I love watching you talk to your toys. I always wonder what's going through your mind and what you are really saying, but it never gets old to watch you try to interact with things.
7) I love it when a song comes on that you like and you start dancing. I can only hope that your dancing abilities are far better than mine! (You've always had a good sense of rhythm though... so there's a start.)
8) I love watching you be outside. The look of awe and wonder has always been all over your face when you are out there. The way you used to try to capture the sunlight or the wind in your little hand, the way you try to "catch" wind in your mouth... you are always happy if you are outside - another of your Daddy's qualities.
9) I love the way you show excitement with your whole body, especially your legs! Whether we're playing or you see Daddy come home, I love watching those legs start going and you squeal with delight!
10) I love watching you with your stuffed animals. If they "give you kisses" you practically maul them right back.
11) I love that one of your first words was "pretty"... though it sounds more like "pahity"... and that you say it most every time I open your closet.
12) I love to watch you with jewelry. Your fascination with it has been there since birth and it absolutely cracks me up. You love accessories that sparkle, and notice when something is missing.
Abigail, there's so much more I could write, I'm sure, but my eyes are heavy and you'll be awake before I know it. But as the clock begins to switch over to your actual birthday, I want you to know a couple of things:
*I love you so very much. Your daddy loves you as if you were the only daughter ever born in this world. We will not be perfect parents... but everything we do, I hope, will always be out of love and for your best (as best we know how).
*Our love is incomparable to the love God has for you. I hope His love is something you will never doubt, but will always cling to. I pray you will come to know and love Him from an early age... and that you will continue to follow Him and grow in a relationship with Him for the rest of your life.
Father, we thank You for the past year with Abigail, the precious gift You have entrusted to our care. We thank You for the blessing she is and the joy she brings to our lives. I know there are times we get frustrated, but thank You for carrying us through. Thank You for Your protection and special care over her this past year. You have taught me so much with her and I look forward to watching her grow up with the sibling You're sending us in a few months. Thank You for loving us the way You do. She's been more than I ever dreamed she'd be to us... and DEFINITELY worth the wait. Thank You so much!
Friday, October 12, 2012
"I Pledge Allegiance..."
I wish I could give credit where credit is due, but my preggo brain has already forgotten who (within the last few days) got me to thinking about our Pledge of Allegiance. They mentioned how, just in watching the campaign ads for our current presidential election, divided our country is right now. They also mentioned how our nation is not "indivisible" as our Pledge of Allegiance states.
This got my brain running even more... because it's so true.
Just in going through the Pledge in my mind, my immediate thoughts were as follows:
There's so much I could say about this... some of it stemming from the very foundations of our government. (Considering ALL were supposed to have rights and a voice and yet only SOME did - keeping in mind women, African Americans, and American Indians started off with, basically, no rights at all.) But the fact remains... less than 100 years from our "victorious beginning" in 1776, we were at Civil War with each other. A war where we were so divided against each other that we lost 625,000 people (more casualties than World War I - 116,516 ; World War II - 405,399 ; the Korean War - 36,516 ; and the Vietnam War - 58,209 COMBINED).
Have we ever really recovered from the division of that war? Honestly, I don't think so... not completely. Look how long it took for civil rights for all races? Yeah. We're still only getting there. I know for me, I was able to grow up with people of other races and never think anything of it. We're all people, we're all equal, no matter the race. But the pain and the suffering inflicted upon others even in the generation preceding me (and, if I'm being honest, how it still lingers in current generations)... you can see it all over the media... the pain is still fresh. For another thing: Look at how the electoral maps are branded across the media months before a presidential election (or a bill requiring public vote) and it looks more like an "us vs. them" or "them vs. us" than a united country. Look at Facebook! I don't mind people having a different opinion than me. But Facebook has become a soundboard for everything (I'm just as guilty) when, in reality, it was supposed to just let me get in touch with friends (new and old) and let us keep up with each others' lives, if desired.
The only instances I can recall where this country has actually shown a spirit of unity has been in times of tragedy. Those are the times that people ban together... race doesn't matter, belief or disbelief in a higher power doesn't matter... the only thing that matters is doing what is necessary to help others. But as time goes on, we go back to our daily lives as if nothing happened. We ask more of "Why isn't the government doing this or that for me?" "Why isn't the policy I want passing as I think it should?" Then we begin the: "Everyone is against me..." "If only they would do this..." "If only they would do that..."
I'm not saying thinking about (and wanting to see) change is a bad thing! By no means! All I'm saying is that the individual begins to believe that their opinion is the only correct opinion... their way is the only way... compromise and finding common ground doesn't matter anymore. We are divided because the opinions and beliefs of others (who think and believe differently) are now "them". Hence, the "them vs. us". The scary part is... what if we're headed towards (even if it's far into the future) another Civil War. History has a way of repeating itself. Would you risk the lives of so many people (because with technology today, the casualties could be far greater than before) just because you can't see eye to eye on anything?
In theory, the "republic" remains. Just to be certain I understood what "Republic" meant, I did what any responsible researcher would do, I Googled it. Haha! ;)
"Republic" is defined by Wikipedia as being: "a form of government in which the country is considered a "public matter", not the private concern or property of the rulers, and where offices of states are subsequently directly or indirectly elected or appointed rather than inherited. In modern times, a common simplified definition of a republic is a government where the head of state is not a monarch."
Our president is not a monarch. He sometimes gets treated as such, especially around election time because those nominated will "fix all of our problems" (instead of us relying on the government as a whole to try and do that). We have the three branches that are supposed to be the "checks and balances" we learned about in Civics class or American Government or History during school. While we can argue about whether all matters of state are truly "public matter", we can agree that we the people elect or appoint our civic leaders (with the exception of Supreme Court Justices who are, of course, nominated by the President and subject to Senate confirmation).
While there are some who may argue this, I'm going to at the least that we are still mostly a republic... and leave it at that.
This kind of goes back to the "united" part for me... not much more I can say on this.
Yeah... so I don't know if you've heard about this or not, but whether God stays in the Pledge or not, He's been pushed out of schools and this country for years. Even when the USA still technically claimed Him, the actions of people spoke otherwise. (Another reason for a nation divided as well.)
Most Christians don't portray Him. Atheists don't believe in Him. Scientists are constantly busy trying to disprove His existence or a need for Him. Basically, putting God over our nation has been thrown out the window. Need I say more?
This got my brain running even more... because it's so true.
Just in going through the Pledge in my mind, my immediate thoughts were as follows:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America"
There's so much I could say about this... some of it stemming from the very foundations of our government. (Considering ALL were supposed to have rights and a voice and yet only SOME did - keeping in mind women, African Americans, and American Indians started off with, basically, no rights at all.) But the fact remains... less than 100 years from our "victorious beginning" in 1776, we were at Civil War with each other. A war where we were so divided against each other that we lost 625,000 people (more casualties than World War I - 116,516 ; World War II - 405,399 ; the Korean War - 36,516 ; and the Vietnam War - 58,209 COMBINED).
Have we ever really recovered from the division of that war? Honestly, I don't think so... not completely. Look how long it took for civil rights for all races? Yeah. We're still only getting there. I know for me, I was able to grow up with people of other races and never think anything of it. We're all people, we're all equal, no matter the race. But the pain and the suffering inflicted upon others even in the generation preceding me (and, if I'm being honest, how it still lingers in current generations)... you can see it all over the media... the pain is still fresh. For another thing: Look at how the electoral maps are branded across the media months before a presidential election (or a bill requiring public vote) and it looks more like an "us vs. them" or "them vs. us" than a united country. Look at Facebook! I don't mind people having a different opinion than me. But Facebook has become a soundboard for everything (I'm just as guilty) when, in reality, it was supposed to just let me get in touch with friends (new and old) and let us keep up with each others' lives, if desired.
The only instances I can recall where this country has actually shown a spirit of unity has been in times of tragedy. Those are the times that people ban together... race doesn't matter, belief or disbelief in a higher power doesn't matter... the only thing that matters is doing what is necessary to help others. But as time goes on, we go back to our daily lives as if nothing happened. We ask more of "Why isn't the government doing this or that for me?" "Why isn't the policy I want passing as I think it should?" Then we begin the: "Everyone is against me..." "If only they would do this..." "If only they would do that..."
I'm not saying thinking about (and wanting to see) change is a bad thing! By no means! All I'm saying is that the individual begins to believe that their opinion is the only correct opinion... their way is the only way... compromise and finding common ground doesn't matter anymore. We are divided because the opinions and beliefs of others (who think and believe differently) are now "them". Hence, the "them vs. us". The scary part is... what if we're headed towards (even if it's far into the future) another Civil War. History has a way of repeating itself. Would you risk the lives of so many people (because with technology today, the casualties could be far greater than before) just because you can't see eye to eye on anything?
"And to the republic for which it stands"
In theory, the "republic" remains. Just to be certain I understood what "Republic" meant, I did what any responsible researcher would do, I Googled it. Haha! ;)
"Republic" is defined by Wikipedia as being: "a form of government in which the country is considered a "public matter", not the private concern or property of the rulers, and where offices of states are subsequently directly or indirectly elected or appointed rather than inherited. In modern times, a common simplified definition of a republic is a government where the head of state is not a monarch."
Our president is not a monarch. He sometimes gets treated as such, especially around election time because those nominated will "fix all of our problems" (instead of us relying on the government as a whole to try and do that). We have the three branches that are supposed to be the "checks and balances" we learned about in Civics class or American Government or History during school. While we can argue about whether all matters of state are truly "public matter", we can agree that we the people elect or appoint our civic leaders (with the exception of Supreme Court Justices who are, of course, nominated by the President and subject to Senate confirmation).
While there are some who may argue this, I'm going to at the least that we are still mostly a republic... and leave it at that.
"One nation"
This kind of goes back to the "united" part for me... not much more I can say on this.
"Under God"
Yeah... so I don't know if you've heard about this or not, but whether God stays in the Pledge or not, He's been pushed out of schools and this country for years. Even when the USA still technically claimed Him, the actions of people spoke otherwise. (Another reason for a nation divided as well.)
Most Christians don't portray Him. Atheists don't believe in Him. Scientists are constantly busy trying to disprove His existence or a need for Him. Basically, putting God over our nation has been thrown out the window. Need I say more?
"Indivisible"
Really? Need I say more on the matter? Republican vs. Democrat. God (then which god?) vs. No God. Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice. For or Against Gay Marriage. Claim Israel as a nation or not? Taxes... Domestic protection and overseas intervention... healthcare... budget crisis... economic recession... the list goes on and on. To agree on anything seems to impede on the rights of others.
Which raises the question: Can we truly, not just in theory, ever really be "indivisible"?
"With Liberty"
Yeah... in theory, we have the right to lots of things so many countries aren't even allowed to dream about. But we are gradually watching so many liberties be taken away, most in fear that those liberties (such as with speech) will offend someone. I'm so baffled by this one, I'm not even sure what all to say...
"And Justice for All"
Justice. Something our this "nation" has long ago lost sight of. What kind of justice exists in a nation where a court can rule in favor of an injured burglar instead of the victim who was being robbed? What kind of justice exists in a nation where someone can sue McDonald's because their coffee was too hot (and win!)? What kind of justice gives children to a mother who only wishes to draw child support checks and couldn't care less about her children, while the father fights earnestly to just have a little more time with his kids? What kind of justice decides at one moment that an unborn child is a life and a person who committed assault against the mother (where the child dies) is convicted of murder and yet this same justice system turns around and decides that this unborn being really isn't a person yet, so if the mother wants to murder it, that's ok?!
So... looking at the Pledge again... what's left? "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the ______ States of America and to the republic for which it stands. _____ ______ _____ _____ _________ ____ _____ ____ _____ for all." Look at how much has subtly disappeared over the years. Isn't that sad?
I have friends and family who have served in the military. They fight for the freedoms we claim to hold so dear in the United States. But while they fight, and some lose their lives, we sit around and bicker and watch our nation turn to muck. I take what they do very seriously. They are quite possibly some of the only people truly trying to uphold what this country actually stands for. If not for the sake of our future generations, if not for the sake of our current ones, can we not show a little more respect to our brothers and sisters protecting this country so they know that what they've been fighting for is not in vain?
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Life's Little Surprises...
Although I am posting this a few weeks after I write it, I don't want to forget the feelings of the past couple of days.
Blue. A primary color that can have many shades. The sky... water... the color of my daughter's eyes (and mine).
Lines. Curved lines, straight lines, parallel lines, crossed lines... all sorts of lines!
Separately, they are nothing. Just lines and a color. Put them together? You could have: lines on a notebook page... or what I saw yesterday... the two lines on a stick that are code for "You're 8 month old is going to be a big sister!"
Yes, folks! You heard right. John and I got a big surprise yesterday. Not the kind that means we're going on a trip to Europe or the beach. Nor was it that Abigail just skipped the crawling stage and completely went to walking! Nope... we got a surprise by just simply seeing two blue lines.
I was alone when I found out (and I couldn't stop laughing and giggling), but John came home for lunch just minutes after. The timing was crazy! Poor guy... after I told him... well... let's just say he remained in shock throughout lunch. He kept looking over at Abigail, playing ever-so-sweetly in the floor, and tearing up. "10 years for that one..." then he'd look back at me, "less than 10 months for this one?!"
Personally, I think I'm still in denial about how hard this is going to be, especially for the first little bit... I'm just overjoyed about another blessing after all the waiting! (The waiting being before Abigail... not the short amount of time after.)
Blue. A primary color that can have many shades. The sky... water... the color of my daughter's eyes (and mine).
Lines. Curved lines, straight lines, parallel lines, crossed lines... all sorts of lines!
Separately, they are nothing. Just lines and a color. Put them together? You could have: lines on a notebook page... or what I saw yesterday... the two lines on a stick that are code for "You're 8 month old is going to be a big sister!"
Yes, folks! You heard right. John and I got a big surprise yesterday. Not the kind that means we're going on a trip to Europe or the beach. Nor was it that Abigail just skipped the crawling stage and completely went to walking! Nope... we got a surprise by just simply seeing two blue lines.
I was alone when I found out (and I couldn't stop laughing and giggling), but John came home for lunch just minutes after. The timing was crazy! Poor guy... after I told him... well... let's just say he remained in shock throughout lunch. He kept looking over at Abigail, playing ever-so-sweetly in the floor, and tearing up. "10 years for that one..." then he'd look back at me, "less than 10 months for this one?!"
Personally, I think I'm still in denial about how hard this is going to be, especially for the first little bit... I'm just overjoyed about another blessing after all the waiting! (The waiting being before Abigail... not the short amount of time after.)
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Change...
I'll never forget the day my mother came and picked me up from school "for lunch" when I was in the 5th grade. It wasn't out of the ordinary, but I thought it was a great surprise... 'til we made it to the car. Before we drove off, she just sat there for a moment. I didn't understand why we weren't going anywhere yet until she finally said, "Gwen, I have something to tell you..." It was then that I noticed something was off about her. "Your grandpa died this morning."
I just looked at her and asked, "Grandpa Singleton?" (her dad)
"No..." she said hesitantly, her eyes feeling with tears. "Your Grandpa Spears."
Immediate devastation hit. I didn't stop crying for days.
This was the first great loss I ever experienced. Later, I looked back and felt like Mom might've thought I didn't care as much about my other grandpa... since my response was completely different. Even as I tell it, I feel like I sounded that way. But truth be told, I was always prepared to lose him. He never seemed to be in great health. I loved him dearly, but he had a lot of health problems, some of which would keep me from even giving him good hugs sometimes. It was only natural for me to think it was him. (I didn't know Grandpa Spears had suffered some major heart attacks in the past until later.)
Today, as I look back over the last few years, I'm reminded of that time... The first big, devastating change for me. I've realized over the last couple of weeks why my very insides seem so resistant to change right now... and yet it just keeps happening! I'm not saying all the changes are bad - by no means! I'm just saying there's been a lot. For someone who didn't experience much change in the first 20+ years of her life, the last few have been like a giant band-aid being ripped off... everything happening that suddenly.
In review, the last few years I've seen: My mother move out; my parents get divorced; John and I finally have a baby (Yay!!! But still a BIG change.); Dad has us clear out what we want from the house; Dad gets married (Again, Yay! But still a BIG change.); Dad's selling the house... Then there's all the changes at church... everything from the services and the people to the name - we even sold the camp cabin that I remember my dad helping to construct (a place that has always been special and even a spiritual get-a-way for me)! The last few years even reflect a significant amount of loss in several ladies I looked up to growing up... the "grandma" prayer warriors and mentors who taught me so much in life.
I'm not saying all of these changes are bad!!! I hope that's obvious. I guess the hardest part is just feeling like everything that I truly loved and appreciated from my childhood and growing up is being ripped away from me. Like once God is finished, nothing will remain except my memories - and even those aren't as strong as they used to be. Even as I write this, I know He is trying to teach me something about letting go... about being flexible to whatever He brings my way. Knowing more change of all kinds is coming - being able to almost feel it, but unsure of just what it is until it happens - well... it brings to mind that "Alligator in My Closet" from last year. I just want to close the door on it (and the raging river) like I did then and forget about it. I have a feeling, however, that I'll be facing it head on instead.
I just looked at her and asked, "Grandpa Singleton?" (her dad)
"No..." she said hesitantly, her eyes feeling with tears. "Your Grandpa Spears."
Immediate devastation hit. I didn't stop crying for days.
This was the first great loss I ever experienced. Later, I looked back and felt like Mom might've thought I didn't care as much about my other grandpa... since my response was completely different. Even as I tell it, I feel like I sounded that way. But truth be told, I was always prepared to lose him. He never seemed to be in great health. I loved him dearly, but he had a lot of health problems, some of which would keep me from even giving him good hugs sometimes. It was only natural for me to think it was him. (I didn't know Grandpa Spears had suffered some major heart attacks in the past until later.)
Today, as I look back over the last few years, I'm reminded of that time... The first big, devastating change for me. I've realized over the last couple of weeks why my very insides seem so resistant to change right now... and yet it just keeps happening! I'm not saying all the changes are bad - by no means! I'm just saying there's been a lot. For someone who didn't experience much change in the first 20+ years of her life, the last few have been like a giant band-aid being ripped off... everything happening that suddenly.
In review, the last few years I've seen: My mother move out; my parents get divorced; John and I finally have a baby (Yay!!! But still a BIG change.); Dad has us clear out what we want from the house; Dad gets married (Again, Yay! But still a BIG change.); Dad's selling the house... Then there's all the changes at church... everything from the services and the people to the name - we even sold the camp cabin that I remember my dad helping to construct (a place that has always been special and even a spiritual get-a-way for me)! The last few years even reflect a significant amount of loss in several ladies I looked up to growing up... the "grandma" prayer warriors and mentors who taught me so much in life.
I'm not saying all of these changes are bad!!! I hope that's obvious. I guess the hardest part is just feeling like everything that I truly loved and appreciated from my childhood and growing up is being ripped away from me. Like once God is finished, nothing will remain except my memories - and even those aren't as strong as they used to be. Even as I write this, I know He is trying to teach me something about letting go... about being flexible to whatever He brings my way. Knowing more change of all kinds is coming - being able to almost feel it, but unsure of just what it is until it happens - well... it brings to mind that "Alligator in My Closet" from last year. I just want to close the door on it (and the raging river) like I did then and forget about it. I have a feeling, however, that I'll be facing it head on instead.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Memory's Lament
If you peeked through the window
You just might’ve seen
A family round a piano
Contented just to sing and sing and sing
If you walked by and listened
You just might’ve heard
So much chatter and laughter
Round a table it’s absurd
Stories at night, music galore
Quotes from random movies,
This family sounds like folklore.
Faces in tortillas, WHEATIES on chicken
Decorations to greet you
On holidays you might mention.
Open windows in springtime, even in fall
Homemade ice-cream in summer
Blankets in winter for all.
Scavenger hunts at Christmas and lots of seafood
Drawing pictures, playing games
All good memories to name a few.
But now there’s no piano, the table is empty
The home is now broken, shattered and dreary.
Take some of this, leave some of that,
Letting go of the memories and things of the past.
A death in the family changes everything
Though all are still with us
There’s still great suffering.
A heart that is broken, and one that is cold
Another that’s bitter,
And others… who knows?
But anger and grief, tragedy and pain
Are all parts of life
I’m reminded again.
But after the tears, the questioning “whys”
I’m sure there’s a reason
Despite this stormy time.
Hoping the darkness will soon fade away
I ache for the Light
Not knowing what to pray:
I know You are God,
I know You are good,
Please give your daughter
More strength if you would.
This trial is hard
And not so easy to bear
But the blessings You’ve given
Help me know You are there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)