Releasing...

So the last time I blogged, I mainly talked about my lesson in trust that God's been teaching me (always a work in progress). Since then, I've done this and that, been sick, then did more of this and that to catch up throughout this week. God has been good to encourage me all along the way. Even though I don't know how He will answer my prayers, He gives me peace to cover those times where I begin worrying.

Wednesday night I attended one of the womens' groups at church (the one I go to is for women in their 20's). We were discussing things God has been teaching us and I kept feeling the need to share what I wrote here in "Trusting" but with a little more detail. It started out okay, I think... until I began sharing something things that I've only talked about with a few select people. And then, the tears began... then began flowing... and flowing... AND WOULDN'T STOP!!! I kept apologizing for crying and then I'd get even more upset for causing a scene and crying in the first place! (For those of you who know me, you know I rarely cry... so this put me totally out of my element.)

I don't think crying is a bad thing... I do it... but it is VERY, very rare when I do. So much so that John calls me a robot sometimes. What usually happens is that I haven't had a good laugh or cry in a long time, someone will say something that can be even only slightly funny, it triggers something in me and I just go into 10-15 minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Many times, something else suddenly triggers tears after this laughter and then I cry for a little while. After that, unfortunately, I usually find myself in an unusual 'blah'-type mood that's hard for me to get out of (I think this is mostly due to being emotionally exhausted after all that laughing and crying). Then... I'm fine until the next bout hits me (usually several months to a year later). John is usually present for these episodes and is quite used to the process. He's very patient with me through it all and holds and comforts me when I need it.

Back to Wednesday, thankfully, all of the women were patient with my 10-15 minute story/testimony that could probably be barely understood due to the uncontrollable sobbing. They offered Kleenex and back-rubs as women tend to do (all of which were very much appreciated on my end). When I finally finished and the tears stopped, I felt terrible for having taken up so much time. Like I said, I'd never shared these things in a large group, however, and I felt like I was supposed to, so I didn't let guilt settle itself in like I normally might.

The best part was that after class, I felt... great. This huge weight that I always feel pressing in on me when I'm in a group like that was lifted. It was like I had been freed from something. I know that the release of those tears was because of how dear the issues are to my heart and that it was okay to cry. I do not believe that those tears were what gave me that freedom. I think it was the sharing of something that pride must've kept me from sharing for so long... something I should've shared a long time ago, but didn't.

Even now, a few days later, I still feel as if that weight is gone. There is no pressing down on my soul where it seems to hinder my every breath. I feel free! It's amazing. I guess sharing such difficult things (when the time is finally right to) is literally like "getting things off your chest"! But better yet, it is a release from captivity... the cage we sometimes put ourselves in by merely NOT doing something we know we should.

Trusting...

During recent weeks, I have struggled with trusting God. I know He is God. I know He created me for a purpose. I know He is good. He has proved these things over and over to me in the past. But things that I hope for, things that I've prayed for... as time keeps passing by with (seemingly) no answers from Him, I lose faith that He will answer those prayers in the way that I hope and long for. And yet, a voice seems to keep telling me to trust Him and to continue believing everything that I believe He has promised me.


And then today, I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon he did this past summer. It was over the raising of Jairus's daughter and the bleeding woman who was healed. Both of these stories hold great significance to me as He used them in the past to teach me (and others I love) about Him. I listen to a lot of Driscoll sermons so this was not out of my typical routine. Lately, I haven't been able to really pay as much attention to them as I usually do, but today, I think I heard most every word.

A few years ago John and I took a trip, a trip that most would consider to be unwise. My mother didn't agree with my decision to go, but I knew I had to go regardless. On the day of our departure, she called me to tell me that God had (finally) given her some kind of peace about my safety. She said she woke up that morning with a verse in her head that wouldn't go away: "Don't be afraid; just believe". After looking it up and seeing it in context, she found that it was what Jesus had said to Jairus before going and raising Jairus's daughter from death. Mom didn't really like the part where the daughter died in the first place, but knew that God was trying to give her some ease about my going... that He would be with me and that He CAN work miracles.

I've thought about this many times over the last few months, remembering the way I had prayed for God to give her some kind of peace about my going even though it didn't make sense... and seeing Him answer that prayer in His own way. As for the bleeding woman, she is also on my mind many times. A couple of years ago, I was asked to sing Nicole C. Mullin's song "One Touch" for a women's conference. (In case you don't know the song, it is the story of the bleeding woman and her touching the hem of Jesus's garment to be healed.) I committed to sing it, but as the time drew near, I became very sick. My stomach was acting like it did when I got sick in Mexico once. I could barely eat anything, even the day of the conference. But... I went. I was a bit better by that day, but still not as up to par as I'd like to be with hardly any energy to speak of. When I felt like my illness was some kind of spiritual warfare, it made me want to go all the more.

As soon as I steppend onto that stage and began singing, something I cannot explain happened. I was fine... I was... healed! By the end of the song, I was so excited by the difference in the way that I felt, I wanted to burst with joy. I knew I could eat and be okay! I know He had worked through the prayers of others to bring me there. I knew that He was teaching me that He still heals and works in our lives. Even as I write this, I feel almost giddy with excitement.

So, even with all He has taught me in these stories from the past, there is still more to be learned. Today... was EXACTLY what I needed. As the words, "Don't be afraid; just believe," were spoken, I knew that it no longer applied to my past, but my present and my future. Trusting Jesus, trusting and following Him in His goodness I have nothing to fear. Anything is possible with God. He still moves and He still performs miracles! As soon as I begin doubting what He may or may not do, I lose faith in that He CAN do ALL things.

I have to choose to believe Him... to trust Him. Even if my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be or in the timing that I want, He knows what is best and is working it all for my good. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." I've been living according to what I think or feel should be instead of just waiting and trusting Him to see what He will do.

I'm human... I know I may struggle with this again... but, for now I know I can trust Him with ALL of my hopes and dreams. =)