Releasing...

So the last time I blogged, I mainly talked about my lesson in trust that God's been teaching me (always a work in progress). Since then, I've done this and that, been sick, then did more of this and that to catch up throughout this week. God has been good to encourage me all along the way. Even though I don't know how He will answer my prayers, He gives me peace to cover those times where I begin worrying.

Wednesday night I attended one of the womens' groups at church (the one I go to is for women in their 20's). We were discussing things God has been teaching us and I kept feeling the need to share what I wrote here in "Trusting" but with a little more detail. It started out okay, I think... until I began sharing something things that I've only talked about with a few select people. And then, the tears began... then began flowing... and flowing... AND WOULDN'T STOP!!! I kept apologizing for crying and then I'd get even more upset for causing a scene and crying in the first place! (For those of you who know me, you know I rarely cry... so this put me totally out of my element.)

I don't think crying is a bad thing... I do it... but it is VERY, very rare when I do. So much so that John calls me a robot sometimes. What usually happens is that I haven't had a good laugh or cry in a long time, someone will say something that can be even only slightly funny, it triggers something in me and I just go into 10-15 minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Many times, something else suddenly triggers tears after this laughter and then I cry for a little while. After that, unfortunately, I usually find myself in an unusual 'blah'-type mood that's hard for me to get out of (I think this is mostly due to being emotionally exhausted after all that laughing and crying). Then... I'm fine until the next bout hits me (usually several months to a year later). John is usually present for these episodes and is quite used to the process. He's very patient with me through it all and holds and comforts me when I need it.

Back to Wednesday, thankfully, all of the women were patient with my 10-15 minute story/testimony that could probably be barely understood due to the uncontrollable sobbing. They offered Kleenex and back-rubs as women tend to do (all of which were very much appreciated on my end). When I finally finished and the tears stopped, I felt terrible for having taken up so much time. Like I said, I'd never shared these things in a large group, however, and I felt like I was supposed to, so I didn't let guilt settle itself in like I normally might.

The best part was that after class, I felt... great. This huge weight that I always feel pressing in on me when I'm in a group like that was lifted. It was like I had been freed from something. I know that the release of those tears was because of how dear the issues are to my heart and that it was okay to cry. I do not believe that those tears were what gave me that freedom. I think it was the sharing of something that pride must've kept me from sharing for so long... something I should've shared a long time ago, but didn't.

Even now, a few days later, I still feel as if that weight is gone. There is no pressing down on my soul where it seems to hinder my every breath. I feel free! It's amazing. I guess sharing such difficult things (when the time is finally right to) is literally like "getting things off your chest"! But better yet, it is a release from captivity... the cage we sometimes put ourselves in by merely NOT doing something we know we should.