Releasing...

So the last time I blogged, I mainly talked about my lesson in trust that God's been teaching me (always a work in progress). Since then, I've done this and that, been sick, then did more of this and that to catch up throughout this week. God has been good to encourage me all along the way. Even though I don't know how He will answer my prayers, He gives me peace to cover those times where I begin worrying.

Wednesday night I attended one of the womens' groups at church (the one I go to is for women in their 20's). We were discussing things God has been teaching us and I kept feeling the need to share what I wrote here in "Trusting" but with a little more detail. It started out okay, I think... until I began sharing something things that I've only talked about with a few select people. And then, the tears began... then began flowing... and flowing... AND WOULDN'T STOP!!! I kept apologizing for crying and then I'd get even more upset for causing a scene and crying in the first place! (For those of you who know me, you know I rarely cry... so this put me totally out of my element.)

I don't think crying is a bad thing... I do it... but it is VERY, very rare when I do. So much so that John calls me a robot sometimes. What usually happens is that I haven't had a good laugh or cry in a long time, someone will say something that can be even only slightly funny, it triggers something in me and I just go into 10-15 minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Many times, something else suddenly triggers tears after this laughter and then I cry for a little while. After that, unfortunately, I usually find myself in an unusual 'blah'-type mood that's hard for me to get out of (I think this is mostly due to being emotionally exhausted after all that laughing and crying). Then... I'm fine until the next bout hits me (usually several months to a year later). John is usually present for these episodes and is quite used to the process. He's very patient with me through it all and holds and comforts me when I need it.

Back to Wednesday, thankfully, all of the women were patient with my 10-15 minute story/testimony that could probably be barely understood due to the uncontrollable sobbing. They offered Kleenex and back-rubs as women tend to do (all of which were very much appreciated on my end). When I finally finished and the tears stopped, I felt terrible for having taken up so much time. Like I said, I'd never shared these things in a large group, however, and I felt like I was supposed to, so I didn't let guilt settle itself in like I normally might.

The best part was that after class, I felt... great. This huge weight that I always feel pressing in on me when I'm in a group like that was lifted. It was like I had been freed from something. I know that the release of those tears was because of how dear the issues are to my heart and that it was okay to cry. I do not believe that those tears were what gave me that freedom. I think it was the sharing of something that pride must've kept me from sharing for so long... something I should've shared a long time ago, but didn't.

Even now, a few days later, I still feel as if that weight is gone. There is no pressing down on my soul where it seems to hinder my every breath. I feel free! It's amazing. I guess sharing such difficult things (when the time is finally right to) is literally like "getting things off your chest"! But better yet, it is a release from captivity... the cage we sometimes put ourselves in by merely NOT doing something we know we should.

Trusting...

During recent weeks, I have struggled with trusting God. I know He is God. I know He created me for a purpose. I know He is good. He has proved these things over and over to me in the past. But things that I hope for, things that I've prayed for... as time keeps passing by with (seemingly) no answers from Him, I lose faith that He will answer those prayers in the way that I hope and long for. And yet, a voice seems to keep telling me to trust Him and to continue believing everything that I believe He has promised me.


And then today, I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon he did this past summer. It was over the raising of Jairus's daughter and the bleeding woman who was healed. Both of these stories hold great significance to me as He used them in the past to teach me (and others I love) about Him. I listen to a lot of Driscoll sermons so this was not out of my typical routine. Lately, I haven't been able to really pay as much attention to them as I usually do, but today, I think I heard most every word.

A few years ago John and I took a trip, a trip that most would consider to be unwise. My mother didn't agree with my decision to go, but I knew I had to go regardless. On the day of our departure, she called me to tell me that God had (finally) given her some kind of peace about my safety. She said she woke up that morning with a verse in her head that wouldn't go away: "Don't be afraid; just believe". After looking it up and seeing it in context, she found that it was what Jesus had said to Jairus before going and raising Jairus's daughter from death. Mom didn't really like the part where the daughter died in the first place, but knew that God was trying to give her some ease about my going... that He would be with me and that He CAN work miracles.

I've thought about this many times over the last few months, remembering the way I had prayed for God to give her some kind of peace about my going even though it didn't make sense... and seeing Him answer that prayer in His own way. As for the bleeding woman, she is also on my mind many times. A couple of years ago, I was asked to sing Nicole C. Mullin's song "One Touch" for a women's conference. (In case you don't know the song, it is the story of the bleeding woman and her touching the hem of Jesus's garment to be healed.) I committed to sing it, but as the time drew near, I became very sick. My stomach was acting like it did when I got sick in Mexico once. I could barely eat anything, even the day of the conference. But... I went. I was a bit better by that day, but still not as up to par as I'd like to be with hardly any energy to speak of. When I felt like my illness was some kind of spiritual warfare, it made me want to go all the more.

As soon as I steppend onto that stage and began singing, something I cannot explain happened. I was fine... I was... healed! By the end of the song, I was so excited by the difference in the way that I felt, I wanted to burst with joy. I knew I could eat and be okay! I know He had worked through the prayers of others to bring me there. I knew that He was teaching me that He still heals and works in our lives. Even as I write this, I feel almost giddy with excitement.

So, even with all He has taught me in these stories from the past, there is still more to be learned. Today... was EXACTLY what I needed. As the words, "Don't be afraid; just believe," were spoken, I knew that it no longer applied to my past, but my present and my future. Trusting Jesus, trusting and following Him in His goodness I have nothing to fear. Anything is possible with God. He still moves and He still performs miracles! As soon as I begin doubting what He may or may not do, I lose faith in that He CAN do ALL things.

I have to choose to believe Him... to trust Him. Even if my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be or in the timing that I want, He knows what is best and is working it all for my good. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." I've been living according to what I think or feel should be instead of just waiting and trusting Him to see what He will do.

I'm human... I know I may struggle with this again... but, for now I know I can trust Him with ALL of my hopes and dreams. =)

Random: Things Old & New

As September draws near, I'm meeting it with great anxiety as well as anticipation. Anxiety because I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and trying something new, and anticipation because it brings me that much closer to vacation! If I'm being honest, I'm also excited about some of my favorite TV shows coming back. =)

I know it's good to step out and try something new every now and then. It's been a while since I've done it. But now, as the day draws near, I'm worried as to how it will go. I've never considered myself to be a teacher. I'm terrible at getting a point across most of the time, if I remember the point in the first place. That's pretty much why I didn't go into teaching. But as of September 2nd, I'm going to start teaching an acting class. I was approached about it earlier this summer and finally decided to give it a try. I'm excited in some ways because I'm finally gonna get paid to do something in a field I love... I just hope those poor kids actually learn something from it. I'm sure I'll learn more than they will.

This fall promises to be rather busy. The acting classes are only one night a week and will only be for an hour or so (Yay). Another night has me doing a study with a couple of sweet friends and then going for "tv date-night" with one of my sissies. Then Wednesday evenings are packed with church and getting my home ready for (and then recovering from) High School boys.

It all looks to be quite fun and even fulfilling in many ways. I'm sure Christmas will come all too fast (commercially, it IS already showing up in stores) and then we'll be looking back over the year making new resolutions and plans.

Random: Spoiled

I have to say that I constantly feel spoiled by my husby (to steal a word from my dear friend). John is so good to me all of the time. He makes me laugh constantly. He's patient with me even when I'm over-dramatic about something or when he's being neglected. He makes the things I worry about seem smaller or insignificant (which, most of the time, they are quite meaningless... I'm just a worrier).

And then there's the way he takes care of me. We've been married 8 1/2 years and he still opens doors (including my car door) for me. Not because I can't, but because, as he says, he "wants to show that he honors me" by doing so. He provides for our little family of 2... which will hopefully expand one of these days. He encourages me and holds me on those rare occasions where I actually cry. He puts my needs above his, which constantly makes me strive to do the same for him.

More than anything, the thing I think I appreciate the most about John is that he's taught me what love really is. Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." I don't think I ever would have understood this verse and the following verses had I not married John. He's told me over and over (in our 'newly' years of marriage, especially) that love is not just a word, but an action. After I realized that, though we may speak different love languages, he was loving me in his own way, it made me appreciate him all the more. The poor guy just kept trying to make me happy, even though what would make me happy would constantly change!

Love is a two-way street. When I finally learned to love him the ways he needed to be loved, our relationship grew dramatically. It was no longer me trying to do things this way while he was trying things another way... we kind of... met in the middle (just as any good marriage does). Part of my transformation was in realizing everything he does for me. It may not be what I think will help at the moment, but he was genuinely trying... and that's all that mattered! He loved me and he was doing everything he could to make our relationship work!

The spoiling part that I mentioned previously involves his giving nature. Example(s):
1) He's always helping me in one way or another with theatre stuff. Building sets, going over lines, doing whatever anyone asks him to do (if he can)... and all with a good attitude. He doesn't let me know how much he might be hating it at the moment, he just does what needs to be done, cracking jokes all along the way.
2) The first 2 times we went camping, I froze. Last year, on our vacation, we had planned on doing some camping in the Rockies. John made sure I had any and everything I might even possibly need. He got me a 0-degree sleeping bag and the mat to go underneath it. He spent a lot of money on just a pair of pants that would keep me warm. He even bought a heater for the tent, just in case! How sweet is that?!
3) I have now been through 2 cars since we got married and am newly on my 3rd. He does love his truck, I'll admit. But he's also drooled over newer ones over the years, but always puts my safety/needs over his.

One final example involves something that happened last night. We were talking about how our families bonded when we were growing up. His bonded at the lake. Mine, I felt, mostly seemed to bond around a piano. We'd sing together all of the time. Mom would play as we'd all sing various songs, pulling music books with favorites off of the shelves. We'd harmonize, sometimes singing the same notes and yelling at each other "Get off my note!" before breaking into laughter. It was fun. Christmastime would usually involve even more singing until recent years. Now... I miss it. My old home is no longer home. It's filled with practically empty rooms... and no piano. Nothing to really remind us of those times except the dining room table we still gather around occasionally.

Anyway... as I was reminiscing about this and the "home" feel, John started scanning around the living room. I knew immediately what he was thinking before he said it. "We don't really have a place for a piano in here," he said with a disappointed tone. And that's so like him. He wants to give me that 'home' feel as much as possible. I told him it that I knew that. He bought me a keyboard a few years back and I can't even find a place to keep it set up... therefore, I don't play. But his concern and desire to see me that much happier, was like a kiss to heal my heart. Regardless of where we live or what's going on in our lives, I am at "home" when I'm with John... and I praise God for that.

Random: Blogging & Summers

Okay... so last week, I had this nice little post going that wasn't even getting too long. Then I realized it wasn't in the font I wanted, highlighted the whole thing to change it, it did an automatic save... and I lost all of it. This, unfortunately, was all it took to make me mad enough not to write it again for a while.

Moving on...

I was writing about "One Very Long Summer". It mainly conveyed how, growing up, I went to school with many of the same people. (Some would move in and out of our lives, some repeatedly, but the changes usually seemed pretty gradual.) During the summer, we wouldn't see each other much (unless we were close friends or there was a pool party), but we'd come back in August ready to see what all had happened during the summer months.

I'm a bit of an introvert. Some people don't know this about me. I didn't even know it until after I finished college... I think. It's always been hard for me to just go up and talk to people I don't know... or even people I do know, if I don't know them really well! I hope that my introversion didn't come across as snobbery in school, but I fear that in many circumstances, it probably did.

ANYWAY... what I was getting at with the introversion thing is that even I, introvert though I was, even I looked forward to seeing everyone after a summer. And now, as we are coming upon our 10-year reunion next year, I keep thinking about how those years have kinda felt like a really long summer to me. I've seen many friends I graduated with here and there over the years, just as I did during those summer months growing up. I've spent time with those who I was closest with, growing those friendships even more in so many ways. But I still can't believe how fast the time has flown. High school doesn't feel like it's almost 10 years in my past... it feels like it was just yesterday.

And, having been around the same people for so many years, I am always excited to see and hear about what's going on with them now. Facebook has been great for that (even though I usually just watch statuses... never know what to say in a comment). Not everyone will make it to the reunion, I know, I may not even make it, but... I wish I could express the connection I feel to the classmates I grew up with. Even though I haven't seen many of them since the night we graduated, I feel like it was a few months ago (like a summer), and I still care about them just as much. Maybe that's the way it will always be. How can you just blot out the first 18+/- years of your life? Each person that I knew even just a little, influenced my life in one way or another in who I became. There are so many I admire, so many I've been cheering for... so many we will all miss. But, if any of you are reading this, know that even though I may not know what to say, you are still a part of my life and I think about you often.

Random: What's Not Happening

Busy-ness seems to be a recurring theme in my life. We don't have any children yet and I don't work full-time, but I'm always "busy" with one thing or another.

I took this year off from doing any theater. I still go and I try to help a little here and there, but I'm not in anything. Ever since John and I got married I've never said, "Okay... I'm not going to do any theater this year so I can spend more time with you." Last December I got pretty convicted of this and told him what I had decided to do for 2010. He didn't object (and seemed pretty happy with my decision).

Thankfully, we both know that I'll be plunging back in next year. He's very supportive of me doing it and is so sweet in actually wanting me to be involved. He knows how much I love it, just as I know how much he loves photography, and we support each other as best we can with our hobbies.

Recently, I had seriously thought about going back to school and going into nursing. John replanted the idea in my head this time (for I had contemplated it before). But as we looked over everything I'd have to do, during school as well as after graduation, he said, "You wouldn't be able to do theater." I said, "I know. But maybe I'll just have to give it up, at least for a while." His response: "You can't give up theater. You love doing it too much." This was said as if the decision had been made, but I still debated the issue in my mind for a while until finally realizing I didn't have any peace whatsoever about going into nursing. So... for now... that's a no.

But even with no theater in my life this year, I have remained constantly busy. Lately, I find myself asking, "Am I do anything really productive and useful? Or am I just keeping myself busy?" I hope the former is true, but, many times, I feel like it's only the latter.

Family Time: Road Trips

Growing up, family-time was always important to me. Spending time with the people you love... until long after they start driving you crazy! Road trips were always fun. Mom over-stressing on every detail until we finally left and scheduling in the "fun". Haha! Gotta love Mom! (Really... would we have remembered to pack important things like clothes and underwear without her?!) And then there was Dad. Always being somewhat clueless as to why Mom was in a bad mood as we loaded into the van, he'd start off the "happiness" with Beach Boys music as we pulled out of the driveway. And then, from us (the kids/siblings) came the never-ending questions of "Are we there yet?" or "Can we stop to go to the bathroom?" Our stops usually involved many historical places such as battlefields and old homes... which, of course, we never appreciated until after we left home.

Road trips didn't end when I got married, I'm excited to say. In fact, being on the road with my hubby over the last 8 and a half years has been good for our relationship (in more ways than one). For one thing, we found out that the mountains don't actually give me colds! The mixture of my allergies and the elevation do... unless I remember to take Benadryl with me! This has solved many travel problems, in that now I LOVE going to the mountains and don't get sick anymore! Wahoo! (We've been to see some part of the Rockies at least 6 times since we've been married, if that gives you any indication as to how often we go.) By the way... if you haven't ever been to Colorado (West of Denver and then South of Vail) in the fall... GO! It's beautiful!

We have our system worked out pretty well while in the car. He drives and I navigate. I love to look at the maps in the atlas and figure out our route. The only part I don't like is when we get to a big city and I can't figure out the best way to get through it, especially if we get on a One-Way and we need to go the other way. We've talked about getting a GPS for times like that.

And then there are the endless jokes we tell, the books I read to him, the silly (and some serious) songs we listen/sing to... and, occasionally, we even manage to have some good conversations! Haha! All in all, our trips are very relaxing and enjoyable... haha... oh yeah... and... did I mention that we rarely make reservations for anywhere we go?! It usually works better for us if we don't. For example, we have only made reservations 4 times since we've been married... I don't mean just for a vacation... I mean period! That's it! The trips are still very enjoyable, but something always seems to happen:

1st Time: (Honeymoon) - Yellowstone National Park - Since we got married in February, during the school year, we decided to take our honeymoon when school was out and before we moved to Chickasha. So... we went to Yellowstone in mid-May. The snow was still higher than my car (on the side of the road) and the ENTIRE Yellowstone Lake was completely frozen over! Then, it started sleeting on us while we were driving through the park! Our reservations were for 3 nights. We stayed one and ended up down in Arizona to visit some of my family.

2nd Time: (Vacation) - Estes Park, CO - To make a long story shorter... our car broke down on our only full-day there and we spent the whole day (thankfully, at least in our cabin) waiting for the car to get fixed. The repairs cost more than the entire trip!

3rd Time: (Vacation) - Disney World, FL - (Not a road trip, but still a "reservation" experience.) This one was actually funny. I wanted to go to Disney World because, according to word of mouth, Orlando was less likely to get hit by a hurricane than the beach locations we were looking at (and our vacation was during hurricane season)... not to mention, I hadn't been since I was 6 and John had never been! So... we booked everything in advance. Then... a hurricane headed straight for Orlando before we left and sat on top of it until the last day we were there! (Yes, there were no hurricanes in the beach locations we looked at that year... only in Orlando.) How crazy is that?! It was a good thing, I know. The last day, where we actually had sunlight (instead of rain, rain, and more rain), I got sick from all of the heat and we went back to the hotel pretty early in the day.

4th Time: (Anniversary Weekend) - Mount Magazine, AR - We don't get snow around here very often, but it began snowing a couple of hours before we headed to our destination. We called in advance to see if the snow was sticking on the roads (to see if we should take my car or John's 4-wheel drive truck). They told us it wasn't, so we headed out in my car. Well, they were right... it wasn't sticking to the roads! The parking lot, however, was more than a few inches deep in snow that was packed over solid ice. We almost didn't make it out of the parking lot the next day!

Like I said, we still enjoy them and have fun, regardless of what's come up! Every family should have the fun experiences of Road Trips!