Letting Fear Define You...

So this is some kind of record for posting (2 days in a row!), but I can't help it when inspiration hits... not to mention I've been sick and home quite a bit lately so what else am I gonna do?

I don't watch much afternoon television. We don't get many channels and most of the time, those few channels aren't showing what I consider to be entertainment. Today, however, I was just letting it run... and Dr. Phil came on. The preview caught my attention, so I watched a bit of it (it was a re-run).

The first bit was about a woman who lives in constant fear when at home that someone will break into her house and harm her. It wasn't quite so bad until her husband got a job that required him to be gone for a few weeks at a time. Since that time, as he stated on the show, he's spent over $16,000 on all kinds of things in hopes of making her "feel safe". The worst is when she showers. Let me set this up for you... every time she showers she:

*Locks and puts door jams on her bedroom door and bathroom door

*She has 2 Dobermans sitting outside her bathroom door

*She sets an alarm inside of her bathroom

*She pulls out a .38 handgun as well as a stun-gun and places them on the toilet along with a remote panic button (to call the police), a flashlight, and her cell phone

*Only uses a clear shower curtain so she can see the door at all times in case someone starts coming through

I might've forgotten something, but you get the idea. This poor woman couldn't even explain why she was so afraid, except for several scary movies she watched as a child (and no, she never watched "Psycho"). When she was 11 she thought she heard someone breaking into her house, but nothing ever happened. Ever since then, she's been absolutely petrified of being at home alone.

I do not ever want to make light of peoples' fears. Fear is a very real and serious thing... sometimes, even a healthy thing. What I hate to see is when people let fear control their lives (or the lives of the ones around them). We all do it in one way or another.

Ever since I was little (and, unfortunately, even today) I've had to talk myself into "taking care" of this thing or that thing that I was afraid of. I remember telling myself how "silly" I was being for getting so riled up... this was to calm myself down enough to actually take care of whatever it was. This could be anything from being at home alone to killing spiders or snakes to walking in the dark.

But what I've found the most comforting is this: God is in control. While we all know that sometimes, He does allow things to happen, He is still God and He is still good. I choose to trust He will take care of me (using John to do it so much of the time). I will not let myself be controlled by fear if I can help it. "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." - 2 Tim. 1:7

Sometimes, there isn't another person we can turn to when faced with something we sincerely fear. If we choose God every time, asking Him to give us the courage to step out and face that fear (our giant or Goliath, so to speak)... I believe He will give us the strength and the common sense to deal with that fear. And then... each time... the fear will lessen a little more.

The first few years of being with John (dating and married), I had some serious issues about going to his dad's dock at night. During the day, no problem! At night... there are spiders EVERYWHERE!!! I really don't like spiders. They give me the hebejebees. His mom was awesome about my fear... mostly cause she didn't like them either AND because she was just awesome like that. She didn't ever make me feel like I was being silly or anything, but helped me keep away from them all the same. Instead of stamping my foot like a child and telling John I'm never going down there (because of snakes OR spiders... two things I do fear), I've gone, year after year... day and night. And you know what? Instead of it being a place I don't want to be (because of fear), I love it there! I can be around the spiders and let them live. I can know there are probably snakes around and be at peace (well, to an extent). But my point is that I wouldn't be at that point now, had I not taken steps, year after year, to get there.

What We Have vs. What We Need

One thing I constantly see today (in my own life as well as in the lives of others) is our never-ceasing desire to "have" things. If you just bought the latest phone, another one is already on its way out that's "even better" that you "just have to have". Think about it. How much did you pay for your most recent phone? And why did you pay that much? What kinds of features does it have that you just can't seem to live without?

I was watching an old movie yesterday and one of the things that really struck me was the telephone. It was a movie set in the late 1800's or early 1900's... so one of those "Gwen" movies that has lots of pretty dresses, cheesy lines, and that wonderful warm-fuzzy, feel-good type of show. The movie is about the happenings in a big family over the course of a year (ups and downs and all... but since it's a feel-good musical, it's mostly ups). In one particular scene, most of the family (except for the uninformed father) tries to rush through their supper because the eldest daughter is supposed to receive a long-distance telephone call (from a young man) at a certain time. The telephone is in the dining room and the family hopes he will propose, so they want to give her some privacy. It all makes for a fun and enjoyable sequence, but it really got me to thinking.

I remember when we only had a telephone in the dining room/kitchen area. I remember when we got to add one to our bedrooms as teenagers (and that was a treat, let me tell you!), probably mostly because our parents got tired of hearing us talk about nothing for hours on end. I remember the first time I saw a "car phone", my cousin had one and I thought it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. I remember watching "Saved By the Bell" and seeing Zach Morris get into trouble for talking on a cell phone (that didn't quite fit in a back pocket as easily as it does now).

Now, cell phones are everywhere. I carry mine with me at all times (unless I happen to forget it). Even when I visited a third-world country in Southeast Asia a few years ago, it didn't matter how poor those people were, most of them still had a cell phone! People like to stay connected with each other... and there's nothing wrong with that! But what do we really know to appreciate anymore? Everything is run by technology of some kind.

Here in the U.S. we thrive... we have grocery stores, restaurants, cars, electricity, airports, Apps on our phones to find whatever we can't... but what would we do if it was all taken away. Nature alone has proven over and over in the last several years, that it can take away our luxuries in only a moment. But with so much happening around our globe, I know that nature is not our only threat.

One place I've visited in my travels was a country (now third-world) that was "up-to-date", so to speak, with the rest of the world (technologically, economically, etc.) until the late 1970's. When they were invaded and taken over by another country, it set them back 50 years. That finally got handled, but then the already crippled country got taken over again, setting them back another 50 years. Now, there is a massive lack of education (most of the people don't even know there is such a thing as an ocean), streets are literally covered in human waste, and only the wealthy have direct access to such things as water, electricity (brought up by generators), and, if they're lucky, air-conditioning.

I know the U.S. is much bigger and in a better location that this other country, but are we really so prideful as to believe that NOTHING can happen to us? Technology has been a friend to us thus far, yes, but we've seen enough movies (yes, I said it, movies) to know that it REALLY CAN be taken away, whether by nature or by other people. Then what? Just think about it... IF electricity alone were completely knocked out for weeks or months on end, what would we do? Pretty much everything is digital now-a-days so:
Could we buy gas? Could we buy groceries? Could we get to any money at the bank? How would we feed our families? If it's winter, how would we keep warm? Would you still have a way to contact loved ones (since your cell phone won't work anymore)? What if our possibility for electricity restoration was a year or two away? Could we grow and make our own food like people used to, without the help of the internet to tell us how?

I know this may sound like I'm on a rant against technology, but TRUST ME, I'm not. I'll appreciate and take advantage of it as much as I can!!! It's just something I've been thinking about. Going back to the movie I mentioned earlier: One thing I love about that particular type of movie is that it has one of those "It doesn't matter what happens as long as we're together," lessons to it. That's the thing so many people seem to miss today. We can work. We can pretty much do as we please with our free-time, the responsibilities of keeping up a home excluded. But what do we do with our time? Do we spend it with our friends and families, getting to know and love them even more? Do we invite neighbors or strangers into our homes to love on them? (This introvert doesn't!) Or do we look for other "things" to fill our time? I do... I think I'm the best at it.

The sad part is, will this poor world have to be subjected to having little to nothing left for people to realize what really matters? What things are actual "needs" versus what are merely "wants"? I hope not... but unfortunately, having things taken away seems like the best way to get our attention.

The End...

One thing I have discovered over my short life thus far is that sometimes people are wrong. I can be wrong, you can be wrong, he can be wrong, she can be wrong. Christians can be wrong, atheists are wrong (but don't tell them that or you'll never hear the end of it)... people of all cultures, backgrounds, and races each have the ability (and tendency) to be wrong. What is most frustrating about being wrong, is having to admit this to other people. Some people won't do it for anything... when they think they're right, they're right. Some shrink away till they become more of a doormat.... always declaring that they were wrong and the other person is right. Very few seem to have the ability to do both: admit when they're wrong and stand firm when they're right. But how does one really know when it's the right time to do either? Even your decisions in that can be wrong!

Take for example, our recent "End of the World" prediction. Even though the rapture didn't happen as predicted, I'm not going to say the guy is completely and utterly mistaken. One of his statements was "It's the beginning of the end"... which to me, is different from just "the end".

As a believer, I have looked forward to Jesus's return since I first learned about it (although I did occasionally ask Him to hold off until ____ or _____ happened). When I first started reading Revelation and Daniel, I got so interested in studying it because I wanted to know "When"... when is it going to happen? Growing up, I remember Dad always saying that it would happen before we graduated high school. Obviously... it didn't. We've seen people predict it (to the day) over and over and then... nothing happens.

Unfortunately, what I've come to realize is that these predictions (with nothing happening) only make the world as a whole less and less likely to believe it will ever happen. Why do you think the Bible says there will be "scoffers"? People might've been inclined to believe Noah when he first began building his boat (even though they'd probably never seen such a thing as rain) because it was a new idea and he was passionate about it. But after a few hundred years of building it... people were fed up with even the mention of it!

Today, Christians are a group of people who have waited for Christ's return for about 2,000 years. The first and early churches believed they'd get to experience it, just as we feel like we will experience it now. What I find so incredibly sad is that instead of focusing energy and resources on really reaching out to others and showing them love and other 'fruits' daily (which can lead them to Jesus), many Christians focus all of their attention on the "urgency" to become a Christian. "You're almost out of time. The world's gonna end; better accept Jesus NOW!!!" This goes hand in hand with the question: "Do you know where you will go if you die tomorrow? Hell is full of fire and darkness and despair... Jesus is the only one that can save you from that so choose Him NOW!"

I'm not saying these things don't have any truth to them, by no means! There should be an urgency because this life is all you've got to decide! But when you only view Jesus as a "way to get to heaven" or "Fire Insurance", there's no real relationship there. You never get to experience His awesome presence in your life. Others never get to see His love through you. The very thought or image people have of Him gets completely obscured.

Many have come and many will come professing a day when "The End" is here... I'm not going to tell you not to listen to them. Even if nothing happens, it's a good time to evaluate where you are, spiritually, in your life. But I'm not going to necessarily urge you to listen to them either... mainly because of that verse that says "The day and the hour are unknown". But I do believe, just as others hundreds of years before me have believed, that He will come soon. But God's version of 'soon' and our version of 'soon' are two very different things. As Aslan says in "The Chronicles of Narnia": "I call all time soon". So whether the predictors turn out to be right or wrong... it doesn't matter. Knowing you have peace about whenever it DOES finally happen (tomorrow or years and years from now), is more important.

"How many a them hormones you takin', Honey?"

I don't know if there are any "Fried Green Tomatoes" fans out there, but if you are, you may recall the time Evelyn repeatedly crashes her car into the "younger and faster" teenager's car when they took the parking space she was waiting on. Up to this point, all we've seen is Evelyn put up with a selfish (and sometimes cruel) society by simply being silent and going on. She did try once before the car-thing, only to have her groceries fall out the bottom of the sack. It's been a while since I've seen this movie, but if I recall it correctly, it was after that experience that she goes - crying all the way - to see Ninny who tells her she's going through "the change" and to get herself "some hormones" and she'll feel better.

So Evelyn gets the hormones, apparently, and starts feeling a little better... and then the teens come along and steal her parking space. As she explains to them that she was waiting for the space before they ever even came along, they snobbishly say, "Well face it lady... we're younger and faster." As they walk away, you can see it all over Evelyn's face: she'd had enough! "Tawanda," she mutters as she floors it and rams her car right into the poor, defenseless VW Bug... and then backs up and does it again... and again. When the teens come screaming back and ask her what is wrong with her, she calmly says, "Face it girls... I'm older and I have more insurance." Still high on a power trip, she then goes and relays the whole story to Ninny. Ninny can't seem to get her calmed down and finally asks, as the scene closes, "How many a them hormones you takin', Honey?"

Well... I'm not taking any hormones, but they are definitely multiplied right now! I have known many pregnant women throughout my life. A few of them are really good at it, never seem bothered by much of anything, don't burst into tears at the drop of a hat, might get overwhelmed looking at times, but that's about it. I've decided I'm not one of them; I'm NOT good at it.

When I first found out I was pregnant, people kept making me feel like they were watching me like a hawk... "If I say/do this, is she gonna cry?" After I kept telling them, I wasn't going to, and them saying, "Oh, you will... your hormones are going crazy right now," I finally just stopped worrying about what they thought I may/may not do and just continued as before. I do know myself well enough to know that it takes a lot to make me cry... unless it's been a while since I've had a laughing or crying fit... then I do both for a good 15-20 minutes... and I'm good for about a year. =)

I've cried a couple times since I found out I was pregnant, one was during "Little Women" on a night I just wanted to quit and go home. I don't remember the other time, but I'm sure there was one so I added it in for good measure.

Unfortunately, what I've come to realize over the last week... I don't get sad and weepy... I get angry. I'm offended much more easily than I ever was before, and I hate that! It makes me feel like I've got all of this stuff - petty, stupid stuff that I blow way out of proportion - against other people. Stuff I can normally let go, but just can't seem to right now. I was telling John last night that it really bothers me because I feel like I get mad at people - friends or strangers - at the drop of a hat. Poor guy... this put him on his guard and he was worried about saying pretty much anything to me the rest of the night.

I know my anger probably stems from other things I haven't fully dealt with yet (and that have been pushed to a back burner), but I am trying to deal with it. That anger is intertwined with hurt and grief... and those things only God can truly heal, one step at a time. So as I take those steps with Him, how can I avoid these hormones getting so out of whack that I just want to beat on something (which would need to be fixed), break something (which I'd have to clean up immediately following), or tell someone off (which never solves anything because you say a mixture of things you do mean and don't mean and find it hard to figure out the difference)?

As I struggle with this anger, I also find I'm more insecure, feeling like I'm offending people just as easily as I'm being offended. This makes for an extra-crazy feeling all around. I've heard that children will make you crazy... I just thought that it would be AFTER they were out of the womb! (I know, I know... Little Sully is not the ultimate reason for my current insanity... it's the hormones that accompany him/her.)

I'm not writing all of this to ward off having anyone around me anymore!!! Please don't think that... I just don't like feeling this way (constantly mad at the world and paranoid). That and I wanted to give you all fair warning! Haha!

Thank you all so much for so many of your kind, thoughtful words and well-wishes. John and I are so excited and, even though I'm currently even more insane than I used to be, we love having each and everyone of you share in our joy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving on us the way that you do. We are truly blessed beyond measure by having friends like you.

Much Love!

Gwen

4 + 2 = Baby!!!

Hello All!!! As you may have already read on Facebook... We're having a Baby!!! Yay!!!

But you maybe wondering why my title makes no sense. It has nothing to do with how long we've been waiting. (As I've said in previous posts, I've wanted to be a mom since the first time I held a baby... and I was 6 years old.) Although John and I have been married for 9 years (the past 7 years without using any form of birth control), we'd never once been blessed to have a little one... or even a positive pregnancy test (not that I would've welcomed losing a child). Last week, however, was a different story.

I didn't really think there was any way that I could be pregnant. No morning sickness or nausea... just tired a lot (but I'd had a crazy, busy week the week before and my allergies were bothering me pretty bad... so tired sounded right). Without going into too many girlie details, let's just say I finally decided to take a home pregnancy test. I saw a (seemingly) faint 2nd line appear pretty quickly. Since it was so faint, I didn't feel like there was any way it could be right, so I did what a lot of women do... I drove to Walmart and bought 2 more boxes of pregnancy tests (just to make sure). You might think I'm nuts, but you have to remember, I'd never seen those 2 lines before... I thought my hopes were going to be dashed with a second test and so I'd need at least a 3rd to see which one was right.

Well... the second test (different brand) showed me another (seemingly) faint 2nd line. My heart started pounding/racing, my hands started shaking. I looked at the boxes of tests I'd just bought, glad I wouldn't need a 3rd to confirm. I dropped the 2nd test into the zip-lock bag I'd put the first one in. I made out some deposits so I'd have an "excuse" to be at the bank for a few minutes (this way John wouldn't think anything was up), hands shaking and heart pounding all along the way. After making the deposits (who knew a simple deposit could feel like it took forever and a day?), I made my way back to John's office.

Now... as I said before, my allergies had been bothering me quite a bit... this day was no exception. So, when I walked into John's office, all he noticed was how tired I looked. I was thankful for this, since I was trying to catch him by surprise. Ever since I was a young girl, I've always wanted to be able to surprise my husband with this kind of news and tell him in a special way that he would be a daddy. After a bit of small-talk, I finally said:

"I've got good news and bad news... which do you want first?" (Knowing he' say bad)

"Bad," he said in his 'uh-oh, what's happened' tone, not letting me down.

"Well," I began, taking a deep breath, "it looks like we might have to redo the guest bedroom..."

"What? Why?" he interjected. His tone sounded more like, "What did she do now?!" which you can't blame him for since I have lots of mishaps... but that's another story.

"Well... because of the good news..." [pause for breath] "I might be pregnant."

I pulled the zip-lock bag out of my purse and showed him the 2 tests I'd taken. His face was priceless... I hope I never forget it. He couldn't believe it either and he was so excited. Wow... makes me giddy just thinkin' about it. It was a very special moment. =)

After telling a few other people (and telling them not to tell anyone), one of them convinced me to go ahead and get the blood test done that day (instead of waiting a week, like I'd planned). After taking another home-pregnancy test (because this is just not really happening), I went and got a blood test and it came back positive, but the doctor told me if I wanted to make absolutely certain, to come back and take it again the next day around the same time to make sure the levels were rising like they should... so I did (after yet another at home test) and they were!!! It was after this second blood test that I felt like I could stop saying "might" have a baby and could move on to "am" having a baby... and it only took 4 home pregnancy tests and 2 blood tests! Haha! =)

But even now, I'll admit, it still doesn't seem real. I'll try to write more soon on what I've already been learning and what God's been showing me through all of this... But for now, I just wanted to share a bit of our happy news with you. Thank you for your prayers and for the love that you've shown us. Even before this joy was handed to us, I knew it was the prayers of others that was getting me through. Thank you.

***Oh... and for those who are wondering:

I'm 5 weeks along (in Dr. terms... not actual), due somewhere around

November 19th, I think.***

Dreams - The Alligator in My Closet

Been a while since I've done a dream post... this one is not recurring, it was just a seemingly random dream I had last night. When I woke up, I felt like I'd "gone 'round the bend". Then I looked up a few things and quickly realized, I've got some issues God and I need to deal with. I still don't know what all of it means, but I have hints here and there:

I remember being on top of a frozen body of water (pond or a lake maybe?) and staring at a creature – a whale or a shark – frozen inside of the ice towards the surface. I was scared for it to get out, but at the same time had compassion for it. I was not alone, there were other people with me (though I can’t remember who any of them were). We were all trying to figure something out… I don’t know if it was how to free the creature or whether we wondered what would happen when (not if) it got free.

Standing on something that FEELS solid, and standing on something that IS solid are two very different things (especially spiritually). Since the shark/whale was trapped inside of the ice, I felt safe standing on top of it. But something about that creature made me scared... I didn't want to have to deal with it. This, I know, is due to my lack of desire to deal with a lot of things right now (spiritual and physical)... because dealing with them scares me and overwhelms me more than leaving them alone. The only reason why I do want to work through anything right now is simply so that it will be behind me and done... but I avoid it, feeling as if it will do no good, knowing the outcome will still be the same.

Next thing I know I’m under the ice. We’d made a large hole to fit through and I was seeing how far down the ice went… the ice itself was shallow – though the water below and all around seemed to go on for forever – but I remember worrying that it would refreeze before I surfaced because I suddenly knew I was alone, so I wasn’t down there long. It was underneath the surface that I remember the creature being more like a whale… it was enormous and beautiful! It being beautiful, didn't stop the fear though; it was just a different kind of fear. And the great expanse of blue surrounding me was serene and peaceful.

This second part speaks to me more on a spiritual level than anything else. Especially when concerning the whale. Even though I was scared of it, like it was going to devour me, I couldn't help but take a moment to marvel at how big and beautiful it was. Except for those couple of moments when I feared it and when I wondered if the the ice would refreeze above me, I was calm. Everything was calm and I felt like I could almost rest there... but I knew there was something I had to do, so I eventually rushed back to the surface. This is how I am with God so many times. I will take short moments (that are never long enough) to recognize again how big and awesome He is, only to quickly be distracted by the worries elsewhere that I have to deal with. In those brief moments with Him, however, there is peace, calmness, and the strength.

I can’t remember if it turned into an alligator before or after I came up from the water (which was all calm and clear underneath the ice). But when I surfaced, there wasn’t much time before it wriggled free of it’s cage. Suddenly all of the frozen water seemed to be melting away at lightning speed. I fled, still on top of the ice that was left. The next thing I know, I’m looking though a doorway at the scene of the alligator swimming in wild currents of a raging river towards me. It seemed vicious so I closed the door. It was then that I noticed the door was to the closet in my childhood bedroom. I was worried it might get through for a moment before finally walking away from the door. I remember later thinking (in the dream or in reality… not sure which), “don’t open that door… the alligator is in there.”

One of the things that I looked up was the "alligator" and found it could represent so many things... and many of them are significant to me right now. Basically, it boils down to the fact that I'm running away from dealing with certain faults and emotions right now... becoming insensitive to some other things (and people) completely. Some of my issues have been dealt with, but I know there are more, with more obstacles to try and block my way. I think my biggest fear was that whatever those faults/emotions are, they'll devour me in some way whenever I am finally able to deal with them. The closing of my childhood closet door, I think, symbolizes my desire for everything to go back to an innocent and simpler way of life, where I don't constantly feel so overwhelmed by anxiety and worry.

So basically… there’s an alligator in my closet. God is good to always help me deal with things step by step. But lately, I guess I haven't really wanted to deal with anything. Busy-ness and various distractions are a key part of that, but more than anything, I know it's because I've avoided it. Facing that alligator does not sound like fun, but hopefully, I can do it soon... and get him and the raging river out of my closet!!!

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3

All that to say, God may bless us with children, He may not. For now, He helps me to choose joy, to trust Him, and to wait on His timing. My biggest double portion from Him is John, who constantly gives me his own double portions, whether I remember to give him my gratitude or not.

If anyone reading this struggles or has struggled with infertility, remember that you’re not alone. Others before you (even thousands of years before you) struggled with it, others are struggling with it, and others will struggle with it in the future. God really does know what is best and His timing is perfect. But, more than anything, remember to appreciate your “double portion” that God places in your life. You may be having a hard time seeing it right now, but it’s there. If your marriage is struggling because of it, try to make it (the marriage) your priority. Men struggle too, even though they don’t always show/say it. So don’t be afraid to tell and show your husband how important he is to you. He needs to know, whether he expresses it or not. Don’t let your desire for a child burden your marriage down so much that it breaks from the strain. Love and appreciate each other. Allow God to work.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try or anything. But wouldn’t it be far better to finally receive a child into a home (through pregnancy or adoption) that has a strong marriage than into a home where the marriage hangs on by a thread because of all the “baby” strain? If I have learned anything in recent years, it’s that a marriage sometimes hangs on “for the children”… until the children move out. Then what? It falls apart! Two people no longer feel connected because they don’t know who the other person is 20 years later. They haven’t truly invested in one another… in their relationship. The more unfortunate part is that they don’t really know how, because they haven’t practiced.

Don’t let this be your marriage. Keep working on your relationship, before, during, and after you have children. You made a covenant with your spouse. A COVENANT!!! If you make a daily choice to love your spouse and love on them and serve them (as Christ called us to serve each other) as best you can, regardless of those trials that will come (such as infertility, the daily struggles with as well as the deaths of friends and family, or, God forbid, the loss of a child), you will have your best friend right there by your side to help see you through it. If you don’t, you will only have a stranger… and the trial will, most likely, tear you apart.

Well... that's my rant for now. Guess I was trying to make up for lost time! =)