"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3

All that to say, God may bless us with children, He may not. For now, He helps me to choose joy, to trust Him, and to wait on His timing. My biggest double portion from Him is John, who constantly gives me his own double portions, whether I remember to give him my gratitude or not.

If anyone reading this struggles or has struggled with infertility, remember that you’re not alone. Others before you (even thousands of years before you) struggled with it, others are struggling with it, and others will struggle with it in the future. God really does know what is best and His timing is perfect. But, more than anything, remember to appreciate your “double portion” that God places in your life. You may be having a hard time seeing it right now, but it’s there. If your marriage is struggling because of it, try to make it (the marriage) your priority. Men struggle too, even though they don’t always show/say it. So don’t be afraid to tell and show your husband how important he is to you. He needs to know, whether he expresses it or not. Don’t let your desire for a child burden your marriage down so much that it breaks from the strain. Love and appreciate each other. Allow God to work.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try or anything. But wouldn’t it be far better to finally receive a child into a home (through pregnancy or adoption) that has a strong marriage than into a home where the marriage hangs on by a thread because of all the “baby” strain? If I have learned anything in recent years, it’s that a marriage sometimes hangs on “for the children”… until the children move out. Then what? It falls apart! Two people no longer feel connected because they don’t know who the other person is 20 years later. They haven’t truly invested in one another… in their relationship. The more unfortunate part is that they don’t really know how, because they haven’t practiced.

Don’t let this be your marriage. Keep working on your relationship, before, during, and after you have children. You made a covenant with your spouse. A COVENANT!!! If you make a daily choice to love your spouse and love on them and serve them (as Christ called us to serve each other) as best you can, regardless of those trials that will come (such as infertility, the daily struggles with as well as the deaths of friends and family, or, God forbid, the loss of a child), you will have your best friend right there by your side to help see you through it. If you don’t, you will only have a stranger… and the trial will, most likely, tear you apart.

Well... that's my rant for now. Guess I was trying to make up for lost time! =)

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 2

A friend of mine loaned me a book called “Baby Hunger” by Beth Forbus. She brought it to me at a time when I was really struggling, emotionally, with… well… baby hunger. God has given me peace about our not having any children yet countless times. Sometimes, however, I need to be reminded. This was one of those times.

As I began reading it, God had already given me peace through the prayers of others, but He began to open my eyes to new understanding. He also reminded me of some things, such as “in due time” and that He can and will purposefully “open or close the womb”. These are two things I’ve clung to over the years as I’ve waited. But what He is still teaching me exceeds even that.

Even before this book, He has been teaching me about appreciating John (hopefully, you can see that in previous posts). I don’t always show how much I appreciate that man. The first few years of our marriage were not easy, but he was always reassuring and loving. He may not understand my desires, but he supports them. He may not understand my emotions, but he comforts me and makes me laugh to ease any hurt. When I have those crazy, hormonal mood swings, he is patient. We may be at odds at times, but he is pushy enough to make sure no one sleeps on the couch (unless I’m sick, of course)… we have to at least talk things out before we fall asleep. He has a tender heart, but is always watching for any danger that could come my way, ready to combat it in some way if necessary. He is by my side as much as possible when I’m sick (unless I send him out of the house), making sure I have anything/everything I might need.

Do you remember the story of Hannah in the Bible? The one with the woman who weeps and prays and weeps and prays for years to have a child? Though he is not mentioned as much in the story, her husband, Elkanah, is present. He may have two wives, but we get to see his love for Hannah and his desire to please her in the way that he gives her a “double portion” at meals. His other wife has children, which (I guess) would usually make her more of a favorite, but (just as with Jacob, Leah, and Rachel) not in this case. We see that Elkanah tries to console Hannah and show her favor in front of others (even his other wife). It didn’t seem to matter to him whether Hannah bore him a child or not (which in that day would have been a big deal), he loved her and wanted her to be happy regardless. He loves on her in such a way as to try to “fill the void” of her childless state. We don’t get to see whether she shows appreciation for his efforts. We do see his frustration with her though: “Am I not better to you than ten sons?”

Maybe he was tired of her weeping, of the constant conversations about not having children yet, of trying to console her every time his other wife would torment Hannah with hurtful remarks, of trying to make peace in his household… I don’t know. But maybe Hannah forgot to appreciate all of the good things Elkanah did for her. Maybe she appreciated it but forgot to show it. I don’t know. I’m sure Elkanah wanted children by Hannah, but he wasn’t about to let not having them destroy their marriage… or his love for her.

As I look back over our marriage, I can see where John may have said that to me… not those words exactly, but something basically boiling down to: “Am I not enough?” I can see how God could’ve asked me that too at many points in my life. Thankfully, God has shown me grace and given me a “double portion” so many times. John does too. I may not always show or say how much I love and appreciate them, but I do. Without John, I know I could go on, but I don’t know if I’d want to… he brings so much joy and sunshine to my life. Without God… wow… I KNOW I couldn’t go on… life would no longer have meaning, purpose… hope. I wouldn’t want to exist in a world where He doesn’t exist. What would be the point?

(See continuing post in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3)

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 1

Hello all!!! It has been a while since I blogged, I know. One reason being that John and I were on vacation for two weeks… and then I had to recover (catch up) from being gone for two weeks! But now I’m back. Maybe I’ll blog about vacation one of these days, but not today. Today, I’m going to share something very personal… something I don’t share with many people… but it’s been laid on my heart, so here goes.

I remember after John and I had dated for a while, I was constantly asked, “So when are you two getting married?” Less than a week after we got married, the question changed to, “So when are you gonna have kids?” Even to this day, I try to avoid telling anyone if I have a stomach bug because they automatically assume that I’m pregnant.

After 8½ years of marriage, John and I have yet to be blessed with a child… or even a pregnancy (that we know of). Instead, we play aunt and uncle (John’s more of a fun play-mate) to our nieces and nephews and to the many children God has blessed our beloved friends with. The questions still come though. “Do you want kids?” “When are you two going to start thinking about having children?” And of course, one of my favorites is what seems to be a constant conversation with people I haven’t seen for a number of years, but they know John and I are married, so they ask:

“So how long have you been married now?”

“8½ years.”

“How many children do you have?”

“None yet.”

“Oh… why not?”

I normally respond, “Because God hasn’t blessed us with them yet.” Sometimes, depending on their questions, I’ll go into it a bit more, but I find there are many times it just seems to make the conversation turn awkward. I’m not much of a conversationalist so the exchange isn’t usually extensive.

But in answer to all of these questions: Do we want children? Of course we do! We love children! They are a joyous blessing that we hope to have one day. As I get older, I do begin worrying about the draining effect… where they drain all of your energy and money… but we still want them regardless! As for when we are going to start thinking about having children… well, consider it thought of. I’ve wanted to be a mother ever since I first held a baby in my arms (and I was six years old!). John hasn’t had the desire as long as that, but he definitely wants them too.

My response to, “Why not?” is as true as I know how to put it. God hasn’t blessed us with children yet. Why? I do not know, only He does. But I rest in the hope that He will one day… in HIS time. One of my biggest comforts is in looking at the complexities of life. How in my life alone, I have come into contact with certain people, been taught by certain people, been loved on by certain people… all of whom I would not have been with at those specific times had I been born at a different time or in a different place. I know God has a plan for my life, for John’s life, and for our children’s lives. Who am I to try to say when the timing should be? Yes, I know when I WANT it to be (uh… now), but it gives me an unspeakable amount of peace to know that His timing is perfect, much more perfect than mine could ever be.

I know there could be physical issues happening that we don’t know about yet, but we are not at the point where we have no peace and have to find things out. Frankly, I hope that point never comes. When I get my mind set on something, I can be pretty obsessive about it until it is finished… and I don’t want to be that way, especially about having children. My attitude and emotions aren’t very pretty during those times and John doesn’t deserve that. =)

Which brings me to the whole reason why I began writing this: John.

(See continuing story in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 2)

Random: Halo

Over the past year, John and I have started passing time by playing Halo with each other... the first one. This may surprise some of you, but I really enjoy playing it!

When I was little, I remember hanging out at a neighbor's house and playing Mario Bros. a lot... until they moved away. I always enjoyed it. We never had a Nintendo, but I still enjoyed playing the few computer games we had that involved defeating different levels. So when John started playing Halo with some guys from our church while we were living in Chickasha, my interest was sparked... but I never got involved.

The one time I actually played with him during that time, we played against each other... by the way this was on my birthday and I'd never played it before... it ended with me being really mad at him for not teaching me how to do things before killing me over and over and over. I didn't play again until last year. It went much better that time.

We started off by playing against each other, mainly so he could teach me the basics... making sure I could walk, learn how to pick up new weapons, load, shoot, throw grenades (away from myself and towards him)... oh... and stop walking off of things. Then we played a little bit as a team against the aliens. I enjoyed that much more. It was still a little frustrating though since I was still having trouble navigating my way around and figuring out what we were supposed to do.

Later that week, John came home from work to find me playing Halo. I wanted to play it a little bit while he was gone so that I could improve and feel like I knew more about what was going on. He laughs about it now, even though he got to see what it's like for parents to try to get their kids' attention while playing video games. He called out my name several times and I never responded or stopped because I was so into it. We played off and on during the following weeks before finally realizing we were playing it too much and putting it away.

A couple of months ago, we dragged it back out... and have played it quite a bit since. We play as a team and also play against each other (sometimes- it still doesn't go that great when we play against each other, but it's better than it used to be). It actually got to a point where I realized we must be playing it too much again. Why? Well, here are a few reasons:

YOU KNOW YOU'VE PLAYED TOO MUCH HALO WHEN:

*You close your eyes and all you see are those massive green blobs of light that Hunters throw at you or those yellow aliens with swords.

*You come upon a to-go box that someone has dropped in the road and automatically wonder if you need that health-pack.

*You see a bug or a spider in your house and think of how easy it would be to throw a tiny plasma grenade on them to get rid of it.

Know this is really random... but been wanting to share it for a while. Find it humorous. =)

Releasing...

So the last time I blogged, I mainly talked about my lesson in trust that God's been teaching me (always a work in progress). Since then, I've done this and that, been sick, then did more of this and that to catch up throughout this week. God has been good to encourage me all along the way. Even though I don't know how He will answer my prayers, He gives me peace to cover those times where I begin worrying.

Wednesday night I attended one of the womens' groups at church (the one I go to is for women in their 20's). We were discussing things God has been teaching us and I kept feeling the need to share what I wrote here in "Trusting" but with a little more detail. It started out okay, I think... until I began sharing something things that I've only talked about with a few select people. And then, the tears began... then began flowing... and flowing... AND WOULDN'T STOP!!! I kept apologizing for crying and then I'd get even more upset for causing a scene and crying in the first place! (For those of you who know me, you know I rarely cry... so this put me totally out of my element.)

I don't think crying is a bad thing... I do it... but it is VERY, very rare when I do. So much so that John calls me a robot sometimes. What usually happens is that I haven't had a good laugh or cry in a long time, someone will say something that can be even only slightly funny, it triggers something in me and I just go into 10-15 minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Many times, something else suddenly triggers tears after this laughter and then I cry for a little while. After that, unfortunately, I usually find myself in an unusual 'blah'-type mood that's hard for me to get out of (I think this is mostly due to being emotionally exhausted after all that laughing and crying). Then... I'm fine until the next bout hits me (usually several months to a year later). John is usually present for these episodes and is quite used to the process. He's very patient with me through it all and holds and comforts me when I need it.

Back to Wednesday, thankfully, all of the women were patient with my 10-15 minute story/testimony that could probably be barely understood due to the uncontrollable sobbing. They offered Kleenex and back-rubs as women tend to do (all of which were very much appreciated on my end). When I finally finished and the tears stopped, I felt terrible for having taken up so much time. Like I said, I'd never shared these things in a large group, however, and I felt like I was supposed to, so I didn't let guilt settle itself in like I normally might.

The best part was that after class, I felt... great. This huge weight that I always feel pressing in on me when I'm in a group like that was lifted. It was like I had been freed from something. I know that the release of those tears was because of how dear the issues are to my heart and that it was okay to cry. I do not believe that those tears were what gave me that freedom. I think it was the sharing of something that pride must've kept me from sharing for so long... something I should've shared a long time ago, but didn't.

Even now, a few days later, I still feel as if that weight is gone. There is no pressing down on my soul where it seems to hinder my every breath. I feel free! It's amazing. I guess sharing such difficult things (when the time is finally right to) is literally like "getting things off your chest"! But better yet, it is a release from captivity... the cage we sometimes put ourselves in by merely NOT doing something we know we should.

Trusting...

During recent weeks, I have struggled with trusting God. I know He is God. I know He created me for a purpose. I know He is good. He has proved these things over and over to me in the past. But things that I hope for, things that I've prayed for... as time keeps passing by with (seemingly) no answers from Him, I lose faith that He will answer those prayers in the way that I hope and long for. And yet, a voice seems to keep telling me to trust Him and to continue believing everything that I believe He has promised me.


And then today, I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon he did this past summer. It was over the raising of Jairus's daughter and the bleeding woman who was healed. Both of these stories hold great significance to me as He used them in the past to teach me (and others I love) about Him. I listen to a lot of Driscoll sermons so this was not out of my typical routine. Lately, I haven't been able to really pay as much attention to them as I usually do, but today, I think I heard most every word.

A few years ago John and I took a trip, a trip that most would consider to be unwise. My mother didn't agree with my decision to go, but I knew I had to go regardless. On the day of our departure, she called me to tell me that God had (finally) given her some kind of peace about my safety. She said she woke up that morning with a verse in her head that wouldn't go away: "Don't be afraid; just believe". After looking it up and seeing it in context, she found that it was what Jesus had said to Jairus before going and raising Jairus's daughter from death. Mom didn't really like the part where the daughter died in the first place, but knew that God was trying to give her some ease about my going... that He would be with me and that He CAN work miracles.

I've thought about this many times over the last few months, remembering the way I had prayed for God to give her some kind of peace about my going even though it didn't make sense... and seeing Him answer that prayer in His own way. As for the bleeding woman, she is also on my mind many times. A couple of years ago, I was asked to sing Nicole C. Mullin's song "One Touch" for a women's conference. (In case you don't know the song, it is the story of the bleeding woman and her touching the hem of Jesus's garment to be healed.) I committed to sing it, but as the time drew near, I became very sick. My stomach was acting like it did when I got sick in Mexico once. I could barely eat anything, even the day of the conference. But... I went. I was a bit better by that day, but still not as up to par as I'd like to be with hardly any energy to speak of. When I felt like my illness was some kind of spiritual warfare, it made me want to go all the more.

As soon as I steppend onto that stage and began singing, something I cannot explain happened. I was fine... I was... healed! By the end of the song, I was so excited by the difference in the way that I felt, I wanted to burst with joy. I knew I could eat and be okay! I know He had worked through the prayers of others to bring me there. I knew that He was teaching me that He still heals and works in our lives. Even as I write this, I feel almost giddy with excitement.

So, even with all He has taught me in these stories from the past, there is still more to be learned. Today... was EXACTLY what I needed. As the words, "Don't be afraid; just believe," were spoken, I knew that it no longer applied to my past, but my present and my future. Trusting Jesus, trusting and following Him in His goodness I have nothing to fear. Anything is possible with God. He still moves and He still performs miracles! As soon as I begin doubting what He may or may not do, I lose faith in that He CAN do ALL things.

I have to choose to believe Him... to trust Him. Even if my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be or in the timing that I want, He knows what is best and is working it all for my good. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." I've been living according to what I think or feel should be instead of just waiting and trusting Him to see what He will do.

I'm human... I know I may struggle with this again... but, for now I know I can trust Him with ALL of my hopes and dreams. =)

Random: Things Old & New

As September draws near, I'm meeting it with great anxiety as well as anticipation. Anxiety because I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and trying something new, and anticipation because it brings me that much closer to vacation! If I'm being honest, I'm also excited about some of my favorite TV shows coming back. =)

I know it's good to step out and try something new every now and then. It's been a while since I've done it. But now, as the day draws near, I'm worried as to how it will go. I've never considered myself to be a teacher. I'm terrible at getting a point across most of the time, if I remember the point in the first place. That's pretty much why I didn't go into teaching. But as of September 2nd, I'm going to start teaching an acting class. I was approached about it earlier this summer and finally decided to give it a try. I'm excited in some ways because I'm finally gonna get paid to do something in a field I love... I just hope those poor kids actually learn something from it. I'm sure I'll learn more than they will.

This fall promises to be rather busy. The acting classes are only one night a week and will only be for an hour or so (Yay). Another night has me doing a study with a couple of sweet friends and then going for "tv date-night" with one of my sissies. Then Wednesday evenings are packed with church and getting my home ready for (and then recovering from) High School boys.

It all looks to be quite fun and even fulfilling in many ways. I'm sure Christmas will come all too fast (commercially, it IS already showing up in stores) and then we'll be looking back over the year making new resolutions and plans.