Change...

    I'll never forget the day my mother came and picked me up from school "for lunch" when I was in the 5th grade.  It wasn't out of the ordinary, but I thought it was a great surprise... 'til we made it to the car.  Before we drove off, she just sat there for a moment.  I didn't understand why we weren't going anywhere yet until she finally said, "Gwen, I have something to tell you..." It was then that I noticed something was off about her.  "Your grandpa died this morning."
   I just looked at her and asked, "Grandpa Singleton?" (her dad)
   "No..." she said hesitantly, her eyes feeling with tears. "Your Grandpa Spears."
   Immediate devastation hit.  I didn't stop crying for days.


   This was the first great loss I ever experienced.  Later, I looked back and felt like Mom might've thought I didn't care as much about my other grandpa... since my response was completely different.  Even as I tell it, I feel like I sounded that way.  But truth be told, I was always prepared to lose him.  He never seemed to be in great health.  I loved him dearly, but he had a lot of health problems, some of which would keep me from even giving him good hugs sometimes.  It was only natural for me to think it was him.  (I didn't know Grandpa Spears had suffered some major heart attacks in the past until later.)


   Today, as I look back over the last few years, I'm reminded of that time... The first big, devastating change for me.  I've realized over the last couple of weeks why my very insides seem so resistant to change right now... and yet it just keeps happening!  I'm not saying all the changes are bad - by no means!  I'm just saying there's been a lot.  For someone who didn't experience much change in the first 20+ years of her life, the last few have been like a giant band-aid being ripped off... everything happening that suddenly.


   In review, the last few years I've seen:  My mother move out; my parents get divorced; John and I finally have a baby (Yay!!! But still a BIG change.); Dad has us clear out what we want from the house; Dad gets married (Again, Yay! But still a BIG change.); Dad's selling the house... Then there's all the changes at church... everything from the services and the people to the name - we even sold the camp cabin that I remember my dad helping to construct (a place that has always been special and even a spiritual get-a-way for me)!  The last few years even reflect a significant amount of loss in several ladies I looked up to growing up... the "grandma" prayer warriors and mentors who taught me so much in life.  


   I'm not saying all of these changes are bad!!!  I hope that's obvious.  I guess the hardest part is just feeling like everything that I truly loved and appreciated from my childhood and growing up is being ripped away from me.  Like once God is finished, nothing will remain except my memories - and even those aren't as strong as they used to be.  Even as I write this, I know He is trying to teach me something about letting go... about being flexible to whatever He brings my way.  Knowing more change of all kinds is coming - being able to almost feel it, but unsure of just what it is until it happens - well... it brings to mind that "Alligator in My Closet" from last year.  I just want to close the door on it (and the raging river) like I did then and forget about it.  I have a feeling, however, that I'll be facing it head on instead.

Memory's Lament

If you peeked through the window

You just might’ve seen

A family round a piano

Contented just to sing and sing and sing

If you walked by and listened

You just might’ve heard

So much chatter and laughter

Round a table it’s absurd

Stories at night, music galore

Quotes from random movies,

This family sounds like folklore.

Faces in tortillas, WHEATIES on chicken

Decorations to greet you

On holidays you might mention.

Open windows in springtime, even in fall

Homemade ice-cream in summer

Blankets in winter for all.

Scavenger hunts at Christmas and lots of seafood

Drawing pictures, playing games

All good memories to name a few.

But now there’s no piano, the table is empty

The home is now broken, shattered and dreary.

Take some of this, leave some of that,

Letting go of the memories and things of the past.

A death in the family changes everything

Though all are still with us

There’s still great suffering.

A heart that is broken, and one that is cold

Another that’s bitter,

And others… who knows?

But anger and grief, tragedy and pain

Are all parts of life

I’m reminded again.

But after the tears, the questioning “whys”

I’m sure there’s a reason

Despite this stormy time.

Hoping the darkness will soon fade away

I ache for the Light

Not knowing what to pray:

I know You are God,

I know You are good,

Please give your daughter

More strength if you would.

This trial is hard

And not so easy to bear

But the blessings You’ve given

Help me know You are there.

Ronald McDonald House

I shared in a previous blog that we were blessed to stay in the Ronald McDonald Family Room while our sweet daughter was held in the NICU. Well, today I want to share a little bit more about this amazing charity.

John and I had heard about it before (we've had some friends and family who've stayed in other various R.M. Houses)... but you never know how much of money that you donate actually goes toward such a thing. Not to mention the basic and simple fact that we'd never experienced it before, so how could we know just how amazing this place would be!

As my release from the hospital drew nearer, we became more and more worried about where we were going to stay. There was no way we were going home... our baby was just going to be too far away! A few doctors and nurses told us about the Ronald McDonald House and that we could apply for it... so we did (every day). God was gracious... we got to stay there every night until her release.

I say got to because:

1) We had a bed to sleep in (just one floor above the NICU)

2) They had a fully stocked kitchen... in other words, we didn't have to buy any food for ourselves unless we just wanted to... AND they cooked supper for the families at night.


3) The living room and dining room even had a TV and games (including a Wii) to help pass the time - if desired.

4) Oh... and we not only managed to stay there at night... but they have "nap rooms" - which were the same rooms we had the night before (for the most-part) during the day (again, that you could apply for). Regardless of whether you got a "nap room" or not though, the Family Room was open to any of the NICU or Pediatric parents for rest or even just to hang out in for a while. Some people even rested in their cozy Reading Room.

5) They also had a place where we could do laundry... and even provided the detergent! This came in handy after a few nights and limited clothing.

All of this... for Free! How is this possible? Well, everything they had was by the donations of others (monetary or supplies such as food/drinks). If you are ever looking for a good cause to give to, here's one I highly recommend! I have seen it first-hand and been enormously blessed by it. They have an amazing ability to help countless families, families who would otherwise be sleeping in a lobby because they aren't leaving their children... families who might be paying for hotel rooms or having never-ending fast-food... families who are worn out just from worry and hoping their precious child is going to make it through.

Yes, people. This is a charity worth giving to. If you'd like to check them out and find ways you can give, please visit:

http://www.facebook.com/rmhcofarkoma

OR http://www.rmhcofarkoma.org

Abigail's Arrival & 10 Days in the NICU... (Part 3)

Over the next few days, we were excited to see her blood sugar become normal on its own as she began eating. Unfortunately, we'd hit the weekend and the results from my placenta had not come back yet... meaning we'd be there till at least Monday. John and I began adjusting to the NICU's feeding schedule (every 3 hours) and after my release from the hospital, we began applying (daily) to stay in the Ronald McDonald House. God was gracious to us and granted us stay there every following night till her release. (This wonderful place in itself deserves its own blog post... hopefully I will get to that someday soon.)

At first, Abigail seemed to feed pretty well. But as they kept increasing the amount she needed

to eat, wanting us to force her to eat it all in less than 30 minutes, and still having her eat on the same schedule even when she didn't eat it that quickly... the girl just refused to pack it in (and her daddy and I couldn't blame her). One or two of the nurses really stressed me out about it... until THEY tried to feed her. It was then that they realized something else might be up. The doctor ordered that she be tube-fed

for every other feeding until her strength came up a little more where she could feed on her own for every meal. At first, they suspected she ate like this because she was even earlier than 37 1/2 weeks... but Monday held what I believe to be the real answer.

While the report from my placenta came back okay, the

doctor on call had walked by Abigail's crib and notice her oxygen wasn't up to par. It had dropped into the 80's when he walked by and remained there for about 45 seconds. He ordered an x-ray and the results were what guaranteed our stay for the full 10 days of antibiotics. She had what looked like a respiratory infection / pneumonia, though it didn't look like a severe case by any means. He just

wanted to make sure that she was in tip-top shape before sending her home. He would order another x-ray for mid-week to see how she was healing. While we weren't thrilled with the news by any means, we knew it was best for her.

Mid-week the x-ray was not what we hoped. In fact, it looked worse. This was really the first time I really recall breaking down about the situation. We just wanted to take our girl home... and I was so worried that my respiratory history had been cursed to our daughter. After a little time to ourselves (in other words, time for me to compose myself), we had another opportunity to speak with the doctor. He lifted our spirits some by explaining that sometimes x-rays show a "lag behind" in their results... showing what was there a few days ago instead of what's actually there now. She was eating so well and doing so well by this point, he felt like this was probably the case. We still had a few more days of antibiotics so he ordered another x-ray for Day 9, just to be sure.

While Day 9's (Saturday's) x-ray still hadn't shown the "cloudiness" cleared up, the doctor just kept watching Abigail and saying that "clinically, she's fine". So under the stipulation that we take her into see her pediatrician for follow-up on Tuesday or Wednesday that week, he'd release her on Day 10. While 14 days of antibiotics could've been an option, he just didn't see any reason why she would need it. In fact, he was concerned that with so many other babies in the NICU (that place was full pretty much the entire time we were there!), she might contract something else.

We were completely satisfied with his decision. She was eating well and not fussy or running a fever (nor had she been)... and the fact that we'd have her right back to a doctor within a few days of being home, we were confident that she'd be fine to go home. Okay, I'll admit it... going home sounded so good too!!!

So... after the final run of antibiotics, early Sunday morning, a few feedings (while we waited for all of the discharge paperwork to be processed and we got our stuff packed up/loaded), we finally got to leave the NICU WITH our little Abigail Dianne. No matter the state of the house we came home to, home just felt sooooo good. And now, we could begin the next journey of our lives... Parenthood.

Abigail's Arrival & 10 Days in the NICU... (Part 2)

As soon as we held little Abigail in our arms, we were so excited to share the news with everyone. Everything was fine and she was rushed out of the room to be cleaned up... leaving us time to make phone calls and text everyone our news. (We hadn't told anyone when we went to the hospital so no one knew for sure that she was on her way yet... many had suspicions though.) The plan was for us to make our calls, etc. while feeling returned to my legs, for me to eat something to gain some strength back, take a shower, and meet up in our new room (where Abigail should arrive shortly thereafter).

It took some time for the feeling to fully come back to my legs and feet and get even a little something eaten. In fact, friends and family began arriving before I made it out of the delivery bed. My mom came to say hi to us first but immediately headed to the nursery viewing window so she could see our little girl. Not too much later, she came back, saying that Abigail wasn't in there and was in the NICU. Only 2 people could be back there to see her at a time and John or I had to be one of them. John and I just looked at each other, wondering what was up, so he went to investigate... my mother tagging along with him.

As soon as they left, I worked on finishing some food and getting my shower over with. By the time I finished that and made it to our new room (and had a little more food to get rid of some nausea), John came in to spill the news. I can tell you with a little more clarity now than I could process it then. I was so cloudy as John explained that our baby's blood sugar had plummeted from 46 to 16 - normal is 45-110, causing her to be put on a D-10 (sugar) drip for the next few days... and that the NICU doctor had started her on antibiotics as a precautionary measure (until my placenta could be analyzed for infection). This meant we would be there for at least 3 days, possibly 10 if tests didn't go well.

I could see the worry on all of the faces around me. I knew I should be worried too... after all, I'm her mother. Either I was so cloudy that nothing was fully registering or peace was just ruling over me at that point (or both). I wasn't as worried as everyone around me though - which I felt guilty for. Like I told my mom: "Every time I've dreamed of her, she was early... but everything was okay. I've seen her older than this. I have to believe that everything will be alright."

Abigail's Arrival & 10 Days in the NICU... (Pt. 1)

For those who are curious, here is a summary (though I won't say it'll be brief) of what Abigail's arrival into our lives consisted of. This shouldn't be too graphic or anything... not planning on sharing all details by any means, but at least this way I'll remember some of the precious times in those first days after her birth.

At 36 weeks, my doctor informed me I was dilated at a 1-1 1/2 and 70% "thinned out". She said that she wouldn't necessarily expect me to go into labor that week, but the following week wouldn't be far-fetched. John and I got pretty excited about it... and he began to watch me like a hawk even more than he had been before. We had plans to go to Sallisaw to spend some time with his family that weekend so all we could do was hope that she'd hold off till after that.

Thankfully, she did. We did go in to hospital at 1:30 am that Friday night / Saturday morning because I woke up and could still swear to this day that my water broke... but we were told that it hadn't and "what it will really be like when it does". Still a little hormonal about that. I told John on the drive back to Sallisaw that if that wasn't my water breaking, how in the world would I know when it really was?! The entire rest of the weekend, I chalked up what was happening to my body as my little girl just pushing on my bladder too much.

My next doctor's appointment (at 37 weeks) revealed I was dilated at a 2 and 80% effaced. I'd already been having sporadic contractions for weeks and as low as little Abigail was sitting, the doctor said she'd bet money that this baby girl would arrive before I made it back for my 38 week appointment. She had me make one... just in case... but figured she'd see me before that.

Pretty much as soon as that appointment was over, I began having fairly consistent contractions... the strong ones! I'd been told by everyone (my doctor and the nurses in labor/delivery) not to come in until they were 5 minutes apart for one hour, so John and I began timing them. Over the following 2 days, they stayed strong and consistently inconsistent (ranging from 8-45 minutes apart). They were so strong through the night on Monday night, that I took a Tylenol PM before I went to bed on Tuesday just so I could get some sleep. Still had some contractions that night, but they weren't as bad. In fact, Wednesday morning, I thought they were gone completely! Then they came back and resumed their inconsistent ways.

Finally, Wednesday night, John and I went and rented a movie, picked up some food, and came home to settle in for the night. We made it about halfway through the movie when I became incredibly anxious. I'd started bleeding and, though it wasn't as bad as when I thought we were losing her at the beginning of my pregnancy, it was still enough to worry me. John called the hospital and they told us to come in. No sooner did we get into the car than my contractions became 5 minutes apart... and stayed that way all the way to the hospital!

On this trip to the hospital, I was dilated to almost a 4 when I got there... so they kept me. Oh. And they also asked me if I knew when my water broke because they couldn't feel it. I told them about my weekend visit and the nurses on shift didn't seem too happy about it. (I sure wasn't.) Now that there was no telling when it happened for sure, there was a high risk that our little girl could have an infection... so they started me on antibiotics.

The only thing I will really post about actual labor is this: Epidural's are wonderful!!!!!! After enduring strong contractions for 2 days and then my body going into shake-down mode (which makes them worse), those drugs became my best friend. =) I still respect those who go through labor without it... but... wow! That would definitely not be for me! (Or John, poor guy.)

Nursery Pics...

So... it's been quite a while since my last blog! Wow, how time flies!

I've promised people over and over I would post some pics of the nursery before our little girl is born... but after I had it all set up. Well... it's still lacking in some of the set-up department. There are still some pictures to order, some quotes to frame, a lamp-post to buy and get plugged in, but I'm guessing all of that will be done after she's born anyway. So... here's a glimpse of what our baby girl will be coming home to. Hope you enjoy it!