"How many a them hormones you takin', Honey?"

I don't know if there are any "Fried Green Tomatoes" fans out there, but if you are, you may recall the time Evelyn repeatedly crashes her car into the "younger and faster" teenager's car when they took the parking space she was waiting on. Up to this point, all we've seen is Evelyn put up with a selfish (and sometimes cruel) society by simply being silent and going on. She did try once before the car-thing, only to have her groceries fall out the bottom of the sack. It's been a while since I've seen this movie, but if I recall it correctly, it was after that experience that she goes - crying all the way - to see Ninny who tells her she's going through "the change" and to get herself "some hormones" and she'll feel better.

So Evelyn gets the hormones, apparently, and starts feeling a little better... and then the teens come along and steal her parking space. As she explains to them that she was waiting for the space before they ever even came along, they snobbishly say, "Well face it lady... we're younger and faster." As they walk away, you can see it all over Evelyn's face: she'd had enough! "Tawanda," she mutters as she floors it and rams her car right into the poor, defenseless VW Bug... and then backs up and does it again... and again. When the teens come screaming back and ask her what is wrong with her, she calmly says, "Face it girls... I'm older and I have more insurance." Still high on a power trip, she then goes and relays the whole story to Ninny. Ninny can't seem to get her calmed down and finally asks, as the scene closes, "How many a them hormones you takin', Honey?"

Well... I'm not taking any hormones, but they are definitely multiplied right now! I have known many pregnant women throughout my life. A few of them are really good at it, never seem bothered by much of anything, don't burst into tears at the drop of a hat, might get overwhelmed looking at times, but that's about it. I've decided I'm not one of them; I'm NOT good at it.

When I first found out I was pregnant, people kept making me feel like they were watching me like a hawk... "If I say/do this, is she gonna cry?" After I kept telling them, I wasn't going to, and them saying, "Oh, you will... your hormones are going crazy right now," I finally just stopped worrying about what they thought I may/may not do and just continued as before. I do know myself well enough to know that it takes a lot to make me cry... unless it's been a while since I've had a laughing or crying fit... then I do both for a good 15-20 minutes... and I'm good for about a year. =)

I've cried a couple times since I found out I was pregnant, one was during "Little Women" on a night I just wanted to quit and go home. I don't remember the other time, but I'm sure there was one so I added it in for good measure.

Unfortunately, what I've come to realize over the last week... I don't get sad and weepy... I get angry. I'm offended much more easily than I ever was before, and I hate that! It makes me feel like I've got all of this stuff - petty, stupid stuff that I blow way out of proportion - against other people. Stuff I can normally let go, but just can't seem to right now. I was telling John last night that it really bothers me because I feel like I get mad at people - friends or strangers - at the drop of a hat. Poor guy... this put him on his guard and he was worried about saying pretty much anything to me the rest of the night.

I know my anger probably stems from other things I haven't fully dealt with yet (and that have been pushed to a back burner), but I am trying to deal with it. That anger is intertwined with hurt and grief... and those things only God can truly heal, one step at a time. So as I take those steps with Him, how can I avoid these hormones getting so out of whack that I just want to beat on something (which would need to be fixed), break something (which I'd have to clean up immediately following), or tell someone off (which never solves anything because you say a mixture of things you do mean and don't mean and find it hard to figure out the difference)?

As I struggle with this anger, I also find I'm more insecure, feeling like I'm offending people just as easily as I'm being offended. This makes for an extra-crazy feeling all around. I've heard that children will make you crazy... I just thought that it would be AFTER they were out of the womb! (I know, I know... Little Sully is not the ultimate reason for my current insanity... it's the hormones that accompany him/her.)

I'm not writing all of this to ward off having anyone around me anymore!!! Please don't think that... I just don't like feeling this way (constantly mad at the world and paranoid). That and I wanted to give you all fair warning! Haha!

Thank you all so much for so many of your kind, thoughtful words and well-wishes. John and I are so excited and, even though I'm currently even more insane than I used to be, we love having each and everyone of you share in our joy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving on us the way that you do. We are truly blessed beyond measure by having friends like you.

Much Love!

Gwen

4 + 2 = Baby!!!

Hello All!!! As you may have already read on Facebook... We're having a Baby!!! Yay!!!

But you maybe wondering why my title makes no sense. It has nothing to do with how long we've been waiting. (As I've said in previous posts, I've wanted to be a mom since the first time I held a baby... and I was 6 years old.) Although John and I have been married for 9 years (the past 7 years without using any form of birth control), we'd never once been blessed to have a little one... or even a positive pregnancy test (not that I would've welcomed losing a child). Last week, however, was a different story.

I didn't really think there was any way that I could be pregnant. No morning sickness or nausea... just tired a lot (but I'd had a crazy, busy week the week before and my allergies were bothering me pretty bad... so tired sounded right). Without going into too many girlie details, let's just say I finally decided to take a home pregnancy test. I saw a (seemingly) faint 2nd line appear pretty quickly. Since it was so faint, I didn't feel like there was any way it could be right, so I did what a lot of women do... I drove to Walmart and bought 2 more boxes of pregnancy tests (just to make sure). You might think I'm nuts, but you have to remember, I'd never seen those 2 lines before... I thought my hopes were going to be dashed with a second test and so I'd need at least a 3rd to see which one was right.

Well... the second test (different brand) showed me another (seemingly) faint 2nd line. My heart started pounding/racing, my hands started shaking. I looked at the boxes of tests I'd just bought, glad I wouldn't need a 3rd to confirm. I dropped the 2nd test into the zip-lock bag I'd put the first one in. I made out some deposits so I'd have an "excuse" to be at the bank for a few minutes (this way John wouldn't think anything was up), hands shaking and heart pounding all along the way. After making the deposits (who knew a simple deposit could feel like it took forever and a day?), I made my way back to John's office.

Now... as I said before, my allergies had been bothering me quite a bit... this day was no exception. So, when I walked into John's office, all he noticed was how tired I looked. I was thankful for this, since I was trying to catch him by surprise. Ever since I was a young girl, I've always wanted to be able to surprise my husband with this kind of news and tell him in a special way that he would be a daddy. After a bit of small-talk, I finally said:

"I've got good news and bad news... which do you want first?" (Knowing he' say bad)

"Bad," he said in his 'uh-oh, what's happened' tone, not letting me down.

"Well," I began, taking a deep breath, "it looks like we might have to redo the guest bedroom..."

"What? Why?" he interjected. His tone sounded more like, "What did she do now?!" which you can't blame him for since I have lots of mishaps... but that's another story.

"Well... because of the good news..." [pause for breath] "I might be pregnant."

I pulled the zip-lock bag out of my purse and showed him the 2 tests I'd taken. His face was priceless... I hope I never forget it. He couldn't believe it either and he was so excited. Wow... makes me giddy just thinkin' about it. It was a very special moment. =)

After telling a few other people (and telling them not to tell anyone), one of them convinced me to go ahead and get the blood test done that day (instead of waiting a week, like I'd planned). After taking another home-pregnancy test (because this is just not really happening), I went and got a blood test and it came back positive, but the doctor told me if I wanted to make absolutely certain, to come back and take it again the next day around the same time to make sure the levels were rising like they should... so I did (after yet another at home test) and they were!!! It was after this second blood test that I felt like I could stop saying "might" have a baby and could move on to "am" having a baby... and it only took 4 home pregnancy tests and 2 blood tests! Haha! =)

But even now, I'll admit, it still doesn't seem real. I'll try to write more soon on what I've already been learning and what God's been showing me through all of this... But for now, I just wanted to share a bit of our happy news with you. Thank you for your prayers and for the love that you've shown us. Even before this joy was handed to us, I knew it was the prayers of others that was getting me through. Thank you.

***Oh... and for those who are wondering:

I'm 5 weeks along (in Dr. terms... not actual), due somewhere around

November 19th, I think.***

Dreams - The Alligator in My Closet

Been a while since I've done a dream post... this one is not recurring, it was just a seemingly random dream I had last night. When I woke up, I felt like I'd "gone 'round the bend". Then I looked up a few things and quickly realized, I've got some issues God and I need to deal with. I still don't know what all of it means, but I have hints here and there:

I remember being on top of a frozen body of water (pond or a lake maybe?) and staring at a creature – a whale or a shark – frozen inside of the ice towards the surface. I was scared for it to get out, but at the same time had compassion for it. I was not alone, there were other people with me (though I can’t remember who any of them were). We were all trying to figure something out… I don’t know if it was how to free the creature or whether we wondered what would happen when (not if) it got free.

Standing on something that FEELS solid, and standing on something that IS solid are two very different things (especially spiritually). Since the shark/whale was trapped inside of the ice, I felt safe standing on top of it. But something about that creature made me scared... I didn't want to have to deal with it. This, I know, is due to my lack of desire to deal with a lot of things right now (spiritual and physical)... because dealing with them scares me and overwhelms me more than leaving them alone. The only reason why I do want to work through anything right now is simply so that it will be behind me and done... but I avoid it, feeling as if it will do no good, knowing the outcome will still be the same.

Next thing I know I’m under the ice. We’d made a large hole to fit through and I was seeing how far down the ice went… the ice itself was shallow – though the water below and all around seemed to go on for forever – but I remember worrying that it would refreeze before I surfaced because I suddenly knew I was alone, so I wasn’t down there long. It was underneath the surface that I remember the creature being more like a whale… it was enormous and beautiful! It being beautiful, didn't stop the fear though; it was just a different kind of fear. And the great expanse of blue surrounding me was serene and peaceful.

This second part speaks to me more on a spiritual level than anything else. Especially when concerning the whale. Even though I was scared of it, like it was going to devour me, I couldn't help but take a moment to marvel at how big and beautiful it was. Except for those couple of moments when I feared it and when I wondered if the the ice would refreeze above me, I was calm. Everything was calm and I felt like I could almost rest there... but I knew there was something I had to do, so I eventually rushed back to the surface. This is how I am with God so many times. I will take short moments (that are never long enough) to recognize again how big and awesome He is, only to quickly be distracted by the worries elsewhere that I have to deal with. In those brief moments with Him, however, there is peace, calmness, and the strength.

I can’t remember if it turned into an alligator before or after I came up from the water (which was all calm and clear underneath the ice). But when I surfaced, there wasn’t much time before it wriggled free of it’s cage. Suddenly all of the frozen water seemed to be melting away at lightning speed. I fled, still on top of the ice that was left. The next thing I know, I’m looking though a doorway at the scene of the alligator swimming in wild currents of a raging river towards me. It seemed vicious so I closed the door. It was then that I noticed the door was to the closet in my childhood bedroom. I was worried it might get through for a moment before finally walking away from the door. I remember later thinking (in the dream or in reality… not sure which), “don’t open that door… the alligator is in there.”

One of the things that I looked up was the "alligator" and found it could represent so many things... and many of them are significant to me right now. Basically, it boils down to the fact that I'm running away from dealing with certain faults and emotions right now... becoming insensitive to some other things (and people) completely. Some of my issues have been dealt with, but I know there are more, with more obstacles to try and block my way. I think my biggest fear was that whatever those faults/emotions are, they'll devour me in some way whenever I am finally able to deal with them. The closing of my childhood closet door, I think, symbolizes my desire for everything to go back to an innocent and simpler way of life, where I don't constantly feel so overwhelmed by anxiety and worry.

So basically… there’s an alligator in my closet. God is good to always help me deal with things step by step. But lately, I guess I haven't really wanted to deal with anything. Busy-ness and various distractions are a key part of that, but more than anything, I know it's because I've avoided it. Facing that alligator does not sound like fun, but hopefully, I can do it soon... and get him and the raging river out of my closet!!!

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3

All that to say, God may bless us with children, He may not. For now, He helps me to choose joy, to trust Him, and to wait on His timing. My biggest double portion from Him is John, who constantly gives me his own double portions, whether I remember to give him my gratitude or not.

If anyone reading this struggles or has struggled with infertility, remember that you’re not alone. Others before you (even thousands of years before you) struggled with it, others are struggling with it, and others will struggle with it in the future. God really does know what is best and His timing is perfect. But, more than anything, remember to appreciate your “double portion” that God places in your life. You may be having a hard time seeing it right now, but it’s there. If your marriage is struggling because of it, try to make it (the marriage) your priority. Men struggle too, even though they don’t always show/say it. So don’t be afraid to tell and show your husband how important he is to you. He needs to know, whether he expresses it or not. Don’t let your desire for a child burden your marriage down so much that it breaks from the strain. Love and appreciate each other. Allow God to work.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try or anything. But wouldn’t it be far better to finally receive a child into a home (through pregnancy or adoption) that has a strong marriage than into a home where the marriage hangs on by a thread because of all the “baby” strain? If I have learned anything in recent years, it’s that a marriage sometimes hangs on “for the children”… until the children move out. Then what? It falls apart! Two people no longer feel connected because they don’t know who the other person is 20 years later. They haven’t truly invested in one another… in their relationship. The more unfortunate part is that they don’t really know how, because they haven’t practiced.

Don’t let this be your marriage. Keep working on your relationship, before, during, and after you have children. You made a covenant with your spouse. A COVENANT!!! If you make a daily choice to love your spouse and love on them and serve them (as Christ called us to serve each other) as best you can, regardless of those trials that will come (such as infertility, the daily struggles with as well as the deaths of friends and family, or, God forbid, the loss of a child), you will have your best friend right there by your side to help see you through it. If you don’t, you will only have a stranger… and the trial will, most likely, tear you apart.

Well... that's my rant for now. Guess I was trying to make up for lost time! =)

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 2

A friend of mine loaned me a book called “Baby Hunger” by Beth Forbus. She brought it to me at a time when I was really struggling, emotionally, with… well… baby hunger. God has given me peace about our not having any children yet countless times. Sometimes, however, I need to be reminded. This was one of those times.

As I began reading it, God had already given me peace through the prayers of others, but He began to open my eyes to new understanding. He also reminded me of some things, such as “in due time” and that He can and will purposefully “open or close the womb”. These are two things I’ve clung to over the years as I’ve waited. But what He is still teaching me exceeds even that.

Even before this book, He has been teaching me about appreciating John (hopefully, you can see that in previous posts). I don’t always show how much I appreciate that man. The first few years of our marriage were not easy, but he was always reassuring and loving. He may not understand my desires, but he supports them. He may not understand my emotions, but he comforts me and makes me laugh to ease any hurt. When I have those crazy, hormonal mood swings, he is patient. We may be at odds at times, but he is pushy enough to make sure no one sleeps on the couch (unless I’m sick, of course)… we have to at least talk things out before we fall asleep. He has a tender heart, but is always watching for any danger that could come my way, ready to combat it in some way if necessary. He is by my side as much as possible when I’m sick (unless I send him out of the house), making sure I have anything/everything I might need.

Do you remember the story of Hannah in the Bible? The one with the woman who weeps and prays and weeps and prays for years to have a child? Though he is not mentioned as much in the story, her husband, Elkanah, is present. He may have two wives, but we get to see his love for Hannah and his desire to please her in the way that he gives her a “double portion” at meals. His other wife has children, which (I guess) would usually make her more of a favorite, but (just as with Jacob, Leah, and Rachel) not in this case. We see that Elkanah tries to console Hannah and show her favor in front of others (even his other wife). It didn’t seem to matter to him whether Hannah bore him a child or not (which in that day would have been a big deal), he loved her and wanted her to be happy regardless. He loves on her in such a way as to try to “fill the void” of her childless state. We don’t get to see whether she shows appreciation for his efforts. We do see his frustration with her though: “Am I not better to you than ten sons?”

Maybe he was tired of her weeping, of the constant conversations about not having children yet, of trying to console her every time his other wife would torment Hannah with hurtful remarks, of trying to make peace in his household… I don’t know. But maybe Hannah forgot to appreciate all of the good things Elkanah did for her. Maybe she appreciated it but forgot to show it. I don’t know. I’m sure Elkanah wanted children by Hannah, but he wasn’t about to let not having them destroy their marriage… or his love for her.

As I look back over our marriage, I can see where John may have said that to me… not those words exactly, but something basically boiling down to: “Am I not enough?” I can see how God could’ve asked me that too at many points in my life. Thankfully, God has shown me grace and given me a “double portion” so many times. John does too. I may not always show or say how much I love and appreciate them, but I do. Without John, I know I could go on, but I don’t know if I’d want to… he brings so much joy and sunshine to my life. Without God… wow… I KNOW I couldn’t go on… life would no longer have meaning, purpose… hope. I wouldn’t want to exist in a world where He doesn’t exist. What would be the point?

(See continuing post in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 3)

"Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 1

Hello all!!! It has been a while since I blogged, I know. One reason being that John and I were on vacation for two weeks… and then I had to recover (catch up) from being gone for two weeks! But now I’m back. Maybe I’ll blog about vacation one of these days, but not today. Today, I’m going to share something very personal… something I don’t share with many people… but it’s been laid on my heart, so here goes.

I remember after John and I had dated for a while, I was constantly asked, “So when are you two getting married?” Less than a week after we got married, the question changed to, “So when are you gonna have kids?” Even to this day, I try to avoid telling anyone if I have a stomach bug because they automatically assume that I’m pregnant.

After 8½ years of marriage, John and I have yet to be blessed with a child… or even a pregnancy (that we know of). Instead, we play aunt and uncle (John’s more of a fun play-mate) to our nieces and nephews and to the many children God has blessed our beloved friends with. The questions still come though. “Do you want kids?” “When are you two going to start thinking about having children?” And of course, one of my favorites is what seems to be a constant conversation with people I haven’t seen for a number of years, but they know John and I are married, so they ask:

“So how long have you been married now?”

“8½ years.”

“How many children do you have?”

“None yet.”

“Oh… why not?”

I normally respond, “Because God hasn’t blessed us with them yet.” Sometimes, depending on their questions, I’ll go into it a bit more, but I find there are many times it just seems to make the conversation turn awkward. I’m not much of a conversationalist so the exchange isn’t usually extensive.

But in answer to all of these questions: Do we want children? Of course we do! We love children! They are a joyous blessing that we hope to have one day. As I get older, I do begin worrying about the draining effect… where they drain all of your energy and money… but we still want them regardless! As for when we are going to start thinking about having children… well, consider it thought of. I’ve wanted to be a mother ever since I first held a baby in my arms (and I was six years old!). John hasn’t had the desire as long as that, but he definitely wants them too.

My response to, “Why not?” is as true as I know how to put it. God hasn’t blessed us with children yet. Why? I do not know, only He does. But I rest in the hope that He will one day… in HIS time. One of my biggest comforts is in looking at the complexities of life. How in my life alone, I have come into contact with certain people, been taught by certain people, been loved on by certain people… all of whom I would not have been with at those specific times had I been born at a different time or in a different place. I know God has a plan for my life, for John’s life, and for our children’s lives. Who am I to try to say when the timing should be? Yes, I know when I WANT it to be (uh… now), but it gives me an unspeakable amount of peace to know that His timing is perfect, much more perfect than mine could ever be.

I know there could be physical issues happening that we don’t know about yet, but we are not at the point where we have no peace and have to find things out. Frankly, I hope that point never comes. When I get my mind set on something, I can be pretty obsessive about it until it is finished… and I don’t want to be that way, especially about having children. My attitude and emotions aren’t very pretty during those times and John doesn’t deserve that. =)

Which brings me to the whole reason why I began writing this: John.

(See continuing story in "Baby Hunger" & Elkanah: Part 2)

Random: Halo

Over the past year, John and I have started passing time by playing Halo with each other... the first one. This may surprise some of you, but I really enjoy playing it!

When I was little, I remember hanging out at a neighbor's house and playing Mario Bros. a lot... until they moved away. I always enjoyed it. We never had a Nintendo, but I still enjoyed playing the few computer games we had that involved defeating different levels. So when John started playing Halo with some guys from our church while we were living in Chickasha, my interest was sparked... but I never got involved.

The one time I actually played with him during that time, we played against each other... by the way this was on my birthday and I'd never played it before... it ended with me being really mad at him for not teaching me how to do things before killing me over and over and over. I didn't play again until last year. It went much better that time.

We started off by playing against each other, mainly so he could teach me the basics... making sure I could walk, learn how to pick up new weapons, load, shoot, throw grenades (away from myself and towards him)... oh... and stop walking off of things. Then we played a little bit as a team against the aliens. I enjoyed that much more. It was still a little frustrating though since I was still having trouble navigating my way around and figuring out what we were supposed to do.

Later that week, John came home from work to find me playing Halo. I wanted to play it a little bit while he was gone so that I could improve and feel like I knew more about what was going on. He laughs about it now, even though he got to see what it's like for parents to try to get their kids' attention while playing video games. He called out my name several times and I never responded or stopped because I was so into it. We played off and on during the following weeks before finally realizing we were playing it too much and putting it away.

A couple of months ago, we dragged it back out... and have played it quite a bit since. We play as a team and also play against each other (sometimes- it still doesn't go that great when we play against each other, but it's better than it used to be). It actually got to a point where I realized we must be playing it too much again. Why? Well, here are a few reasons:

YOU KNOW YOU'VE PLAYED TOO MUCH HALO WHEN:

*You close your eyes and all you see are those massive green blobs of light that Hunters throw at you or those yellow aliens with swords.

*You come upon a to-go box that someone has dropped in the road and automatically wonder if you need that health-pack.

*You see a bug or a spider in your house and think of how easy it would be to throw a tiny plasma grenade on them to get rid of it.

Know this is really random... but been wanting to share it for a while. Find it humorous. =)